Apologies to all if I've misunderstood the customs and protocols of the comments section. I'm new here. My input was offered in the spirit of "constructive criticism" -- I'm not trolling. I'll touch base w/ you off line, Ed.

Apologies to all if I've misunderstood the customs and protocols of the comments section. I'm new here. My input was offered in the spirit of "constructive criticism" -- I'm not trolling. I'll touch base w/ you off line, Ed.

Hey, Ed. Nice pix. I see your point about being a shooter first. But, if you're gonna have to wear both hats, lets keep working on the writing skill set. Now you know I'm gonna bust you for having that mouse in your pocket again so -- 'nuff said on that point, I hope. More important here: You buried the lede. Not too deep cos it's just a flash report with a full rewrite coming later. But still: Your news story is like a pyramid; most important fact goes at the top. Think of it this way: Your Money Shot isn't firefighters rolling up their hoses after the blaze is extinguished. It's those residents in their jammies, kitty in arms, standing in front of the engine What's the most important fact in the limited info you have? Time of the 9-1-1 call? Uh-uh. "Firefighters were able to rescue all occupants, and their nine year old kitty Fluffy, from a mobile home blaze that broke out shortly after dark Saturday in South Sacramento. [Residents were right there -- you shot 'em. Without doing the dumbassed TV reporter "how does it feel to be burned out of your home?" thing, you coulda / shoulda got some basic facts from them. What are your names? Kitty's name? Anybody hurt? And, a good open ended question like "what happened" to see what you get.] "Though few details were being released yet by Sacramento Fire officials, the initial call came in approximately 8:45 Saturday evening from the South Sacramento Travel Lodge Mobile Home Park on Dias Avenue. Firefighters on scene confirmed their ability to reach the scene within minutes helped limit damage in the blaze. "Recent 'brown out' staffing decisions that followed fire department budget cuts have left some community members expressing concerns about how slower response times might affect public safety. Department officials were not immediately available for comment on what impact the rotating brown outs could have had in this case. "Look for updates here as Sacramento Press continues to follow this story." Let's kick you up to a "C" on this one for the nice action shots (though, FYI, they displayed a leeetle dark on my monitor), and the fact that you *did* get most of the "5 W's and an H" in there. We'll keep working on the writing. Hey, you can do this, Ed. It ain't rocket surgery.

No need to "try to tone it down", Ed. There are some basic building blocks to putting together a news story that your HS journalism teacher should have shared w/ you. Top of the list: Get out of the story! It's not about YOU, unless your name is Hunter S. Thompson. The word "we" (got a mouse in your pocket?) appears a half dozen times in the piece. NONE necessary. "When we attempted to question bank officials, we were met across the board with 'no comment'" reads tighter as: "Bank officials declined to comment on the demonstration." Second graf is a train wreck. I don't have room in a comment to pull it apart and rebuild it but, again, the "we" conceit is superfluous. We (the readers) don't care where you were standing to gather your MOS comments. Something along the lines of "participants offered a number of conflicting (if they _were_ contradictory) reasons for demonstrating, though protest organizers said blah, blah blah" should do the trick. Who is Rojas? A spokesman for Students United Against Oppressor Banks? Event organizer? One of the "confused" protesters? Again, I don't care that you "caught up with him" -- I need to know what his role was and why his comments are relevant. And your last graf needs much more rewrite than it's probably worth. If it needs to be in the story at all, it'll march much better if you can get the cops to tell the story. Something like "Sacramento Police Sgt. Joe Friday, field commander at the May Day protest, reported no arrests or clashes with demonstrators. 'Our job is to make sure participants' First Amendment rights are protected while also ensuring B of A's property wasn't damaged and they were able to stay open for business during the event,' added Friday." There's an old broadcasting joke; "he has a great face for radio". If it helps Ed, we can adapt that to read "as a journalist, Fogle is a great photog". I'm willing to bump you up to C- for effort in light of the fact your primary calling is to shoot and the story needed told. But you gotta be willing to take some wordsmithing basics on board in return. Deal?