Newest articles on The Sacramento Press tagged as "relationships"

Real Relationships: Unsolicited Valentine's Day advice

2012-02-06T17:59:44Z

It is February. The month of love. The month of loneliness.

Pretty much everyone falls into one of those categories, but I want to remind you that single does not mean alone.

Make a point to connect with a friend this Valentine's Day. After all, love is not just intimate, but a feeling we have for people who matter to us. Reach out and schedule coffee, dinner, or a fun night in. Forget gifts. They don't matter in the face of time spent together.

Don't get depressed about being alone, but remember to be thankful for what you have, for who you have.

Write a love letter to yourself. Remind yourself who you are and what makes you thrive. Make a list of things you have done and things you have yet to do. Treat yourself to a large cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

If you do have a special someone, put a little thought into your time together. Don't buy for the sake of buying, don't go out for the sake of tradition. What do you two really love to do together? Sometimes it is OK to just be.

Be together. Be in love. Be in relationships with family and friends.

That is what Valentine's Day is about: full, unabashed love for family, friends, life and self.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Have a relationship question? Email me at sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured Mondays in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Saying goodbye to loved ones

2012-01-30T15:57:19Z

Q: My mother is in the last stages of aggressive cancer, bedridden and nearly comatose from the pain medication. We haven't always had a good relationship (actually we have never had a good relationship), but the thought of losing her makes me realize how much I really do love her. I know she has sacrificed a lot for me in her life, and now I feel like I lost out on something special, a relationship with her. I am having a really hard time coping with her dying and us never having the chance to talk about this.

My brother tells me that I just need to let it go and not bog her down with my feelings. I don't know what to do.

A: I am really sorry to hear about your mom and the pain she is experiencing. End-of-life situations have a way of clearing all the gray areas of our lives and making everything black and white.

It is totally natural for you to be feeling a sense of loss and desperation to talk with your mom. You need that closure, but I encourage you to look for the right time. Any conversation that you have with her when she is awak will likely be emotionally taxing on both of you. If she is mostly comatose, then you may not get a chance to have a face-to-face with her, but that is OK. Don’t force it to happen. There will be a time that is right.

Sit by her bedside, even when she is sleeping and pour out your heart. She can hear you, even if it doesn't seem that way. Sometimes closure comes from speaking the words that are in our heart aloud — words you have been thinking but have never said.

If you are having trouble formulating the words in your heart, sit down and write a letter. Take some time to really examine what you want to say, pen your thoughts down and then read it to her. Hopefully you will feel the burden of your past lift off you and only love for your mother will be in its place.

Be prepared that she may have been holding on for a moment when you two could reconcile your relationship. Once that happens, even just from you to her, she may let go.

Let her go.

Give her the permission and the freedom to end her fight and be at peace. Talk with your brother and let him know your feelings and that you spoke to her. Encourage him to do the same if he has anything in his heart that he would like to convey to her. Be in agreement when you both have said your piece that she can go.

Once she is gone, I hope that you are at peace. Carry her memory in place of the burden you felt. That is the best tribute you can make to her.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions and advice are featured every Monday in "Real Relationships."

Real Relationships: Social Media

2012-01-23T16:34:26Z

Maybe it is just me, but I am so thankful that Facebook was not around when I was in high school. The drama that it can cause is ridiculous. Even people in their late 20s and 30s succumb to the drama Facebook provides.

"You checked in at where with who? I thought you were home sick! You told me you don't even like that girl. Liar. We're through!"

"I get so mad at all those girls who comment of my boyfriend's wall. Don't they know we're together now?"

"Who is that guy who always ‘likes’ your photos and comments? Do I need to pay him a visit?"

"Why are you still friends with your ex? Now he can see everything we do!"

Please raise your hand if you have been a part of or heard of situations exactly like these. [hand raise]

Frankly, it annoys and saddens me to think that a website is capable of such holding such power over our lives and relationships.

However, Facebook only has as much power over our relationships as we give it. If you are in a relationship with someone, I would hope you know them better than the Facebook masses do. You are aware of who they hang out with and who they don't. You have a general idea of what they do in their day-to-day lives. Don't let comments from other people question the trust you have in each other.

Here is a concept: Talk to your significant other about their life. Don't read about it on Facebook.

Problem: There are always going to be those silly guys you went to high school with who like to stir things up by making an inappropriate comment about you on Facebook. There are always going to be those lonely, desperate girls who like to reminisce in a public forum about "all the fun” you two used to have. “You know, that night... ;-)”

Solution: If you have some real concerns about the activity on your significant other's Facebook, talk to them. Don't wage a war of words between you and the unseen stalker. That brings you down to their level. Consider, though, that most of the time it is a one-way admiration competition and your man/woman could care less. In fact, they are probably embarrassed by it and aren't quite sure how to stop it.

Facebook does break up relationships. This we know.

It also creates relationships, restores relationships and maintains relationships.

Facebook is not the devil. Its users are. Don't let it ruin (or run) your life, and make sure you are not one of those people ruining other's lives.

Next step: Responsible Facebook practices. Learn them. Live them. Love them. If you don't, maybe you should get off Facebook.

Real Relationships: Steps to a better me

2012-01-16T16:43:47Z

Q: Just like everyone else I know, I made certain new year’s resolutions that revolve around bettering the person I am. I was really excited about some of the changes I was going to make.

Now, a week later, I get the impression my boyfriend isn't as excited about the changes. They don't really have anything to do with him, except I am changing the person I am, and he doesn't like that.

We have only been together a year, and I am uncertain about our future. However, I am not willing to give up these amazing changes I am making just for him. Am I making the wrong decision by blowing off his feelings?

A: In this situation, there are a couple things you need to consider about him and about yourself.

First, I suggest you sit down, write out the changes you are going to make in yourself and your life and thoroughly evaluate the impact that they will have on your life. Write down pros and cons to consider with each change.

Next I suggest you sit down with someone you love and trust (other than your boyfriend) and ask them what they think. Do these changes reflect the person they know and love? Do they think these changes will make you a better person? If not, how can you alter your goals to satisfy both your desire and the person you really are?

I ask you to do this because sometimes we make choices that we think are in our best interest, and it turns out they aren't. Really we are striving to mimic someone we think we ought to be, but it isn't the right choice.

Each person must make their own image. Sometimes those images line up with the qualities we envy in others. Sometimes they don't. The most important thing to consider when making personal changes is that these will make you a better person and the people around you who you love feel the same way.

If, after all your testing and talking and thinking and evaluating, you determine they are right for you, then you need to consider your boyfriend and his feelings. Perhaps he does not like the changes because it isn't the person he feel in love with. That is OK. If you are serious about changing, let him know this is the new you, and you would love it if he loved the new you, but if he doesn't, then you understand.

Maybe it is time for you to part ways, but maybe this is a growing opportunity for you both, and you'll emerge on the other side stronger and more in love than before.

Personal growth and change is not meant to alienate those who love you. If it is right, they will grow with you.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be asked and answered every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: New years resolutions

2012-01-09T16:21:39Z

Are you among the millions who made a New Year’s resolution or resolutions under the title of self-improvement? A new diet, a new job or a new outlook on life in your future?

Research shows that more than 100 million Americans make resolutions every January but only one out of five actually stick with it. Good for those 20 million people.

For the rest of us, consider the resolutions you have made in the past. Did you stick to them? Why not? (Yes, I AM assuming you didn't.) I can only imagine that you set out to change your life. You planned on losing 25 pounds, finally snagging that job you always wanted, and you planned to quit smoking.

All. In. One. Year.

I mean, since those things are so easy and all....

Failed resolutions only serve to bring you down; physically, mentally and emotionally. Not only will you be angry at yourself for not meeting your goals, but you'll be more reluctant to try again.

The answer: set realistic, attainable goals. Realistic for the everyday person, not some diet freak superhero.

If your ultimate goal is to lose weight this year, (who doesn't have that goal), instead of vowing to lose 25 pounds by Valentine's Day, try setting monthly or biweekly goals for yourself. For instance, cut out one food that you know is unhealthy for you in January.

In February, drink at least four large glasses of water everyday. In March, continue with your previous months’ goals and add one more. If you maintain this eating pattern in April, then challenge yourself with one more goal in May, such as limiting your alcohol intake.

By setting one very achievable goal per month you won't overwhelm yourself or send your body into a food deprived coma. Furthermore, don't beat yourself up if you cheat every once in a while. In fact, set a day every other week to do just that. Call it a mental health day.

After five or six months you will undoubtedly see a vast improvement in both your weight and your overall health, not to mention the drive you need to continue!

This same strategy applies to any resolution that you have for yourself. Although you may have an ultimate goal in mind, don't force yourself to give it all up at once or complete it in an unreasonable amount of time.

If change was easy we would have already done it.

Don't have another year of quitting before you start. Don't tell yourself that you can't do it. Don't assume that you have more willpower than you actually do.

The fact is you CAN do it, but it is going to be hard. You aren't afraid of a little hard work are you?

Here is to loving yourself, your goals and your life in 2012!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Real Relationships will ask and answer questions anonymously every Monday!

Real Relationships: Holiday Hiatus

2011-12-19T16:49:33Z

“Real Relationships” will be taking a two-week hiatus for the holidays. I will be back to dish both solicited and unsolicited relationship advice on Monday, Jan. 2.

Email your questions to sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured and answered anonymously.

Have a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

~Janna

Real Relationships: Don't forget about yourself

2011-12-12T16:16:35Z

The holiday season is typically full of fun and festivities: work parties, family get-togethers, nights out with friends, and don't forget all the shopping! It is during this time of year that I find myself busy, tired and lacking in a little personal time. Don't get me wrong — I love the holidays, the parties, the decorations and all of it, but sometimes I get tired.

The scheduling, the invitations and the cleaning followed by the cooking, shopping and general daily life are a lot! I feel like I always get sick shortly after New Years because my body just says, "Enough already."

The solution: There isn't one. However, don't forget about yourself in the midst of all the fun. No, I am not suggesting that you go out and buy yourself a gift because you “SO deserve it...”

I was thinking more along the lines of taking a few minutes every day to sit with a cup of coffee or wine. Read a book or take a little bit longer shower. Use the time to gather your thoughts, review the day or make lists of what you need to do that day.

Tackling all the cheer with a plan will leave you more relaxed anyway, but giving yourself a physical and mental reprieve will go a long way in ensuring that you don't bite someone’s head off when they simply ask if you can pick up something from the store. (Of course I have never done that...)

You will find that the holidays are more fun, more festive and less of a strain on your resources if you remember to take care of yourself.

How do you survive the holiday season? Any great tricks to organize, tackle or refresh yourself? Share with me.

Merry Christmas!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured weekly in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: Gift Giving

2011-12-05T17:02:27Z

Q: I am a struggling college student with more bills than income. Christmas is always a struggle for me because I don't have the funds I want to dedicate to present-buying. My family completely understands this, and we often choose names to limit the number of people you must buy a present for.

However, my boyfriend’s family (we have been together several years) does not do that, and they are known for their extravagant gift-giving. The past few years that I have participated in their family Christmas, I typically end up over-extending myself on the gifts and putting more than I want to on my credit card.

This year I don't want to do that, but it is embarrassing to show up with cheap gifts at this function. I'm stuck....

A: How well do you know your boyfriend's family? Seems to me if you are close enough to spend holidays with them, everyone ought to be privy to your financial situation. Furthermore, piling up your debt to keep up with the standard is not the answer.

Talk to your boyfriend about this (if he doesn't already know) and work out a solution. It can be embarrassing to discuss financial conditions with your loved one and his family, but if you are serious about spending the rest of your life with him and his family, you might as well be transparent now.

If you want to buy actual gifts, pair up with your boyfriend to give gifts to each person so that you are only carrying half of the cost. If you think it will be well received, look into some creative options for homemade gifts or services.
I have found that offering services versus tangible gifts is a big hit.

For young parents, offer to babysit so they can have a night out or offer to clean the house or do the laundry to give Mom a break.
For the elderly, offer to clean their home or escort them out to the grocery store or doctor appointments. For the elderly who live alone, coming by and spending time with them would also be a nice idea.
For cousins and peers, gift them a certificate to do their laundry, clean their house or animal-sit.
Your boyfriend's parents will probably be the most difficult to decide on a service for. I suggest combining the idea of a financial gift and a service. Splurge on some fun foods and offer to host them for dinner. You can then bless them with a meal, but it will give you a chance to spend some time together.

There are many creative ways to bless others without dipping too far into your wallet. People will appreciate the thought behind the gift as well. Most importantly, you will not put yourself further behind in your finances.

Happy holidays!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured and answered every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Family holiday dynamics

2011-11-28T15:28:21Z

Instead of question-and-answer this week, I am writing a little editorial about spending the holidays with immediate and extended family.

For most people, this season is one of the few times a year we see many members of our extended family. Different interests and personalities collide in what turns out to be a magnificent display of diversity, or a horrific explosion of arguing and hurt feelings. What kind of family do you have?

If your family comes together in a harmonious fashion and shares fun, laughter and love, then you are a very blessed person. Remind yourself how thankful you ought to be for the people you love, who love and care about you.

If your family falls into the other category, one of forced happiness, angry words and months of not speaking, then your mission is a bit different.

Make an effort to not participate in and encourage the drama. You likely cannot avoid it altogether, but don't add to it.

Speak positive and encouraging words to your family this season. Remind yourself what you like about every person you are going to see and build on that thought.

Engage everyone in a personal conversation, even those you are not fond of. Even though you have known these people your entire life, there are likely things about them you don't know. Set out to discover something new about your crazy aunt or your irresponsible cousin. Share something about yourself with them as well.

When the conversation stalls, end the time by thanking them for sharing about their life and let them know that you are glad to see them.

Your last mission is to do your best to not lash out when the times get tough. Don't respond in anger if something is said or done that is not to your liking. Respond in kindness or don't respond at all. Bite your tongue if it kills you.

These people are your family. They will always be your family. Don't say something that you are going to regret.

Happy holidays!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Mother-in-law vs Daycare

2011-11-21T20:09:00Z

Q: My husband and I recently had a baby (five months ago), and now I am looking to go back to work full time. I have looked in to the cost of care for our son, but the prices are outrageous. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law has offered to care for our son every day that I am working. While this seems like a perfect and inexpensive solution, I am not wild about how my mother-in-law handles my son.

My husband and I have a very particular way we handle our son, and my mother-in-law doesn't always follow our directions when she watches him. I am afraid that without consistency he will be confused as he grows older about what is and is not right, what he can get away with, and he will waiver from the eating/sleeping schedule he has become accustom to.

It would be nice to save the money by having her watch him, but in the long run I don't even know if it is worth it! My husband is on my side, but at the same time we can't stomach spending so much money when we have an alternative. I am torn.

A: I think you already know this, but your son comes first. If you truly are not comfortable with your mother-in-law watching him, then you need to find an alternative. However, it appears that your concerns are a little less severe, and they are more a difference of opinion on how to raise your son. While it is important to stay consistent while raising children, remember that she is a grandma now, and grandparents are meant to spoil children rotten.

That said, you need to be very clear about your expectations and ground rules to your mother-in-law if she truly wants to watch him every day. Make a list of your daily routine that she can follow. If you have any specific requests about his feeding, diaper changing and entertainment, be very clear about them.

It is OK for you to be picky about the upbringing of your child. Hopefully your mother-in-law has his best interest at heart and loves him and will respect your wishes once laid out clearly.

Meanwhile, enjoy going back to work!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in "Real Relationships".

Real Relationships: Scared to walk away

2011-11-14T16:11:25Z

Q: I am in an abusive relationship. It isn't ALL the time, but it does happen sometimes. I know the obvious answer would be to break up with him and leave, but I don't really feel like it is that simple.

On one hand, he has made references to being really angry if I ever leave him. On the other hand, we do have a good relationship most of the time. I dream of being in a happy relationship, but I don't know how to create one.

You know that saying, "I have come too far to go back now"? That is how I feel. I don't know if I will ever have the courage to stand up for myself and walk away.

A: Let me just first say that you have never gone too far to walk away from someone who does not respect you enough to not abuse you. Although I have never been the victim of an abusive relationship, I have walked alongside friends who have. It is hard, very hard. If you are ever going to gather up the courage to walk away, you will need a few things.

You need a trusted friend or family member who knows your situation and is willing to help you leave. That person will likely need to provide you with a place to stay while you figure out your next step. That person also needs to understand your need for confidentiality. Your location cannot be reveled for fear of repercussions.

You need a plan. It would be easy to, say, just get up and leave, but that isn't realistic. Unless you have a plan, you may become discouraged and decide to go back.

You need confidence. Remind yourself that you are a strong woman who deserves love, affection and respect. You can do anything you put your mind to. Remember that this situation is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to remove yourself from it. Do whatever it takes to get yourself into a safe situation.

There are plenty of local options for you to lock yourself away in a safe situation until you feel like you can start living again. Contact one of these organizations and share your story with them. They have the means to provide you with shelter, food, job training and emotional counseling. If you have any physical injuries, they can also get your medical care.

Don't hesitate to act. Make a plan, find people you can trust, and get out of there. You owe yourself that. Good luck.

WEAVE: Women Escaping a Violent Environment

Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Center

My Sister's House

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions and answers will be featured every Monday in "Real Relationships".

Real Relationships: Secrets will divide us

2011-11-07T16:20:30Z

Q: I have a very good friend who doesn't seem to understand the need for confidentiality. It isn't that I am a secretive person, but sometimes when you tell people things, especially close friends, you don't want them to go spread the word.

This girl is a very close friend of mine, but I find myself hesitating to share anything secretive or confidential with her because she might bring it up to someone else. I know she isn't meaning to make me uncomfortable or embarrassed, but she does.

I guess I feel like our friendship will never be what I want it to be because I can't trust her or confide in her. Should I say something to her or just never tell her anything I don't want retold?

A: Well, shoot. I have run into this situation a few times myself, and I have concluded one thing: People either are or are not confidential people.

There are those who love to talk, love to share and love to tell tales. Those people, though really fun to hang out with, aren't typically the kind you can confide in. They aren't bad people. In fact, they are normally extremely engaging.

If this friend is one of those kinds of people, then there isn't much you can do to convince her that what you are about to tell her is for her ears only. You are likely correct in your assumption that she isn't being mean or sneaky — she doesn't have a filter, nor does she think about your privacy before she repeats a good tale.

OK, so that sounds a little harsh, but I am just saying, you can't expect her to change her personality.

On the other hand, there are friends who understand the difference between show-and-tell conversations and "I really need to talk with you about this, but I don't want it repeated" conversations. If you are lucky, you have exactly one of these people in your life right now. If you are blessed to have more than one, then you are well taken care of! These friends are not a dime a dozen, but it is them you can really trust with your secrets, your feelings and your private struggles.

I suggest to you that you keep very confidential information out of her hands — and ears — and focus on building your friendship in other ways. Meanwhile, take stock of your other friends and see if you have that one friend who you know you can tell anything to in confidence. Also, remember to be that friend to others. You might be the only one

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in "Real Relationships".

Real Relationships: Preggo and not ready

2011-10-31T15:36:01Z

Q: I just found out I am pregnant. I told my boyfriend and we both agreed that we are not ready to be parents, but there is no way I would consider getting an abortion.

I know that I could put the child up for adoption, but I feel like that is going to be really hard after carrying to term. However, I know I am not ready to be a mother, and I don't want to lose my boyfriend over this. I don't really know what to do.

A: Wow. You have many hard decisions and a long road ahead of you.

First of all, I applaud your stand on keeping the baby to term even though you are not sure about what will happen after that.

Secondly, I would suggest that you do not make a rash and uneducated decision about raising this child or putting it up for adoption. Either decision will have a lifelong impact on you, and you need to be sure that you are making the right decision.

Raising a child is not a joke or a game or something you can play at. It is a incredibly hard and time-consuming responsibility that you either commit to wholeheartedly or life will be miserable for both you and your child.

Adoption is also a very difficult choice. You are about to spend nine months with this child, and, by the time it is born, you will likely be very attached. However, keeping the child may not be the right decision for you. There are many adoption agencies in the Sacramento area that would be happy to work with you through your pregnancy, find you the right family to adopt your baby and answer any difficult questions you might have.

Providing a childless, loving home with the gift of a baby is a terrific thing. Knowing that your baby will be loved, provided for and raised by people who have been looking to pour their love and resourses into a child is comforting.

You need to explore your options, talk it over with your boyfriend and other trusted loved ones in your life and determine what the right option for you and your baby is.

Here are a few local resources you can use to educate yourself. It wouldn't hurt to set up a meeting with an adoption agency to learn about the process. They will not try to cajole or force you into a decision, so don't worry about that. Good luck. I hope you come to a decision you have peace with.

Sacramento Adoption Center

Sierra Forever Families

Family Connections Christian Adoptions

Lilliput Children's Services

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in "Real Relationships."

Real Relationships: Bridesmaid from hell

2011-10-24T20:26:56Z

Q: I am getting married in six months. I asked my three best friends and my sister to be in my wedding. Fortunately, I could make my sister my maid of honor so that I didn't have to deal with friend drama and jealousy. Unfortunately, I am still dealing with drama with my friends.

One in particular has not been the ideal bridesmaid. She is extremely opinionated about everything I choose for my wedding, particularly the dresses, and, frankly, it is more of a headache to deal with her than I am interested in. She has been my friend forever, but I am two minutes away from telling her she can just come as a guest. What do I do?

A: There is really only one course of action here. She can put up and shut up, or she is out. Is that too harsh? I have zero tolerance for friends who fail to realize that being a bridesmaid is about one thing: supporting your friend through the stress of getting married. However, maybe she doesn't realize what a pain she is, so inform her and then give a gentle ultimatum.

Sit her down (with or without your other bridesmaids, your choice) and let her know that you really need her to be supportive right now, not judgmental. Perhaps cite some specific examples where you felt attacked, not supported. Remind her that you asked her because you are friends, but you don't have time to deal with her crap.

If she isn't interested in swallowing your criticism, then give her the option to back out gracefully, no harm to the friendship, and join the festivities as a guest. She shouldn't need reminding that this process is about you and your future husband and that she really doesn't have a say in the decision-making.

It is OK to offer suggestions and opinions to a certain degree, but once you have made a decision, she needs to live with it. I know this will likely be an awkward conversation and potentially emotional, but if she is really your friend, she will see the light and hopefully step up to support you through this process.

Good luck!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Broken by a Bully

2011-10-17T15:59:10Z

Q: My 7-year-old daughter is dealing with a bully at school. She comes home almost daily and relates stories about how another girl in her class makes fun of her. Apparently she is making fun of her clothes, the words she uses, her school work... anything she can think of.

I have always thought my little girl was pretty outgoing and strong, but lately she seems to be breaking under the weight of the bullying. I have given her all the pep talks I can think of (kill her with kindness, avoid her at all costs, and compliment her when she bullies you). Nothing has changed and I feel like I need to step in on a more parental level, but I don't know where to start.

A: I am sorry for the troubles your daughter is facing at school each day. I don't know why it happens, but it breaks my heart, and it seems to happen at every grade level. That said, I feel there are a few steps you can take without being too aggressive or invasive.

I would suggest you set up a meeting with your daughter's teacher. Find out what she knows about the classroom dynamics and if he/she is aware what is happening between your daughter and her bully. Find out if other children are being treated the same way. The purpose of this is not to validate your daughter’s claims as much as to determine what your next move is.
When you meet with the other parent/parents, make sure you do not attack their little girl with accusations and insults. Simply lay out what appears to be going on, ask the teacher to provide input on what she has observed and ask what you, as parents, can do to correct this situation.

It is possible that they will be hostile regardless of how you approach the situation, but committing to resolve it together instead of taking a "what are you going to do about your problem child?" stance may keep the situation peaceful.

If you find the other parents to be agreeable with your plan, then meet with the other parents, their little girl, your daughter and their teacher.
Reinforce that insults and bullying is not acceptable, that the teacher will not allow it and that both sets of parents are now aware of the situation and will be keeping a close eye on it.

If the other parents are not agreeable with the situation and refuse to participate in the resolution, then you and the teacher can work together to try to control the situation. If the teacher is aware of the issue, he/she should intervene when possible.

Worst case scenario is that you may need to request your daughter to be placed in another classroom away from this girl. It isn't ideal or the best resolution, but it may become necessary to protect your daughter.

Good luck, I hope you find an agreeable set of parents on the other side.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in "Real Relationships."

Real Relationships: Tension in the workplace

2011-10-10T16:30:16Z

Q: I am so frustrated by the office dynamics at my job. I try to be a nice person while still maintaining some level of authority and end up getting disrespected by some of my coworkers. I don't want to worsen the problem by making a big deal about it, but it makes for a tense environment every day and I hate it. I don't know what my next step is!

A: Though not uncommon, this situation makes it hard to keep up a team attitude and a positive working environment, which is essential. Though I do not know the specifics of your particular situation, I would recommend that you attempt the following:

1. If there are a few particular people who appear to be the problem, speak with them personally. Don't feed into the negative attitude by gossiping about your coworkers. Confront the problem parties and discuss how you can get back to a harmonious environment.

2. If that doesn't work, take your problem to a manager. Lay out the issues you are having, what you surmise is the problem and any proposed solutions you have. Remember, the intention is to seek advice from your manager, not tattletale on your coworkers.

3. Sit down with everyone, both problem parties and your manager, and hammer out a solution. No one wants to work in a negative environment, so work together to figure out the problem and solve it together.

Meanwhile, rise above the negativity if you can. Don't stir the pot, and don't play games. Being honest and forthright will go a long way in helping resolve the problem.

Good luck!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: Stay true to thine self

2011-10-03T14:36:27Z

Q: I have recently taken up writing as a new hobby. I am not really sure if you would call it a hobby — it is more of a passion that I have always had but have never really explored, but now I am really getting into it. Problem is, my boyfriend is not really supportive. I guess it is because I have been spending a lot of time with my head bent over notebooks or pecking away on the computer and not as much time with him.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think he isn't important to me, but I really feel I need to nourish this growing need until I am more comfortable with it, and then I can settle into a routine. Is that unfair to him?

A: Well, it is going to be hard for me, as a writer, to give an unbiased answer to this one, but I will try.

Any hobby/passion/extracurricular activity is part of the person that is you. Although, as you say, this is something that you have only been recently pursuing, it sounds like it has been in your heart for quite some time. Every person, whether a part of a relationship or single, deserves to have something that is uniquely theirs. That doesn't mean you cannot express it to your partner, but don't lose yourself.

If writing is the way you express your heart, your passion, your happiness, your sadness, or aggression, then you need that outlet. If your boyfriend is not supportive of that, then it sounds like he is being a bit selfish. I encourage you to sit down with him and explain to him what writing means to you, how important it is to you. If he still feels like it is taking away from "couple’s time," then maybe set one or two times a week that you dedicate solely to him that you won't lose to writing.

That said, a relationship is about supporting your partner's passions and desires — accepting the person for who they are and encouraging them to pursue the desires of their heart. Sometimes it even means personal sacrifice to see the people you love achieve their goals. If you think you would do that for him, but he isn't willing to do that for you, then maybe this is not the right relationship for you. Give him a chance to adjust to this situation, and then reevaluate how he is handling it. If you find yourself loving writing more than you love him, well, there is your answer.

Good luck in your relationship and in your writing.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be answered every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: The wrong kind of friendship

2011-09-26T16:01:32Z

Q: Let me preface this by saying I am not a catty or jealous girl.

However, my husband has begun hanging out semi-regularly with a few of his female co-workers that have been his friends for several years (some before I was in the picture), and it makes me a little uncomfortable. First of all, he never invites me, which is odd, and secondly they are flirty and suggestive when they are around him, and I don't like it. Although some of them are single, a few are married, and I wonder how it makes their husbands feel!

How do I let him know the situation makes me uncomfortable without seeming like I am just attacking his female friends?

A: First of all, let me just say that this situation sucks. It is a no-win, at least a "no one walks away feeling great about the result" kind of situation. That said, you need to talk to your husband. Notice I didn't say "confront" him. This is not the kind of situation where you want to start throwing out accusations and giving ultimatums.

Remember, these girls are his friends and he has known them longer than he has known you. That doesn't mean he has the right to disregard your feelings about them, but keep in mind he probably doesn't know your feelings.

I suggest that you sit him down, let him know that you are a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that he spends a lot of time with them for a few reasons:

He never invites you. If these girls are such a large part of his life, you would like to get to know them better. Perhaps you can plan a few group outings or invite them all over to your place one evening.
If he has begun hanging out with them more often, what has changed? Is there anything he wants to talk to you about that is bothering him?
The behavior these girls have exuded when you have seen them bothers you a bit. You feel they are too forward and it makes you uncomfortable. If you trust him but not them, make sure he knows that you aren't calling your trust in him into question.

Getting your feelings out in the open but offering some helpful suggestions or alternatives is a good place to start. It is likely that he is going to react a bit defensively either to your assumption that his friends are behaving inappropriately or that he is. Make sure you assure him that you are not accusing him of any wrongdoing, but that you wanted him to know how you felt and that you would like to be included when he hangs out with members of the opposite sex.

That said, make sure you are extending him the same courtesy. Don't be a hypocrite. Good luck.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: When is it ok to lie?

2011-09-19T17:01:14Z

Q: I know when you are in a committed relationship you are not supposed to keep anything from each other. Furthermore, you are never supposed to lie to each other about anything. There has to be an exception to this rule when you are keeping something from your significant other that will cause them harm or pain.

I recently was told some information that will cause my girlfriend great emotional distress, and I don't want to tell her. However, I feel extremely guilty when I see her because I feel like I am lying to her. I am not sure what the right thing to do is.

A: Well, without knowing the specifics of what you were told and what kind of information you are talking about, let me give you my thoughts on the topic in general.

First of all, was the information specifically given to you to be relayed to your girlfriend? If so, you are doing that person and your girlfriend a disservice by filtering out information she ought to be receiving.

In a general sense, if the information is something that she could potentially hear from another source, even if there is a very slight chance, you are gambling by keeping that information to yourself and potentially setting the stage for a big blow up about not only the sensitive nature of the information but the secrecy of it.

If the information is about her family or close friends or could affect her job or sense of well being, you need to share it with her. If it is simply a solicitous piece of gossip told to you to spread around, then you are better off not telling and stopping that trail of gossip in its tracks.

You likely know your girlfriend better than anyone and understand how the information will affect her. However, don't think for her and don't automatically assume you know how she will think, feel or react to the news. Don't sell her short in her maturity level in handling whatever information you possess.

Most importantly, before you decide to tell her, check your facts if there is a reason to. Make sure you confirm the validity of the information before you potentially cause her emotional distress. When it comes time to tell her, be gentle and understanding in how you share the news and be prepared to answer questions about what you know. If need be, point her back to the source to field any questions you cannot answer.

The short of it is, when dealing with emotions, there is no right answer, but honesty is always a good policy.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be answered each Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: Special needs child

2011-09-12T15:26:55Z

Q: My son is 7 years old and currently attending a public school in the first grade. It has been obvious to my husband and I for some time that he has some kind of learning disability and some behavioral issues, but he has never been diagnosed with anything, and we aren't really sure what to do.

His teacher tells us that he isn't reading at a first -grade level and that his actions in class not only prevent him for learning but disrupt the entire classroom environment. We don't really know what to do or where to begin.

I haven't received any support from the school in this situation, so right now I am just frustrated. I don't want my son to fall behind, but I think he needs help. His disruptive behavior spills over from school into our home, and my husband and I are frustrated and scared. What do I do?

A: There are many children who do not learn at the same pace or in the same manner as their peers. There is no shame in that, but there is shame in the fact that your son's teacher and school has not offered you any resources or options for your son. As a learning institution and the primary source of your son's education, they should be working with you in this process, not against you.

There are many schools, doctors and programs that you can take advantage of in the Sacramento area to give you a better understanding of what you may be dealing with and facing in years to come.

You are not alone in this. There are hundreds of other parents who have children struggling to learn just like your son. I encourage you to connect with other parents while you seek out help. Hearing from parents who have walked the road that you are about to travel will be invaluable for you.

Here are some resources in the Sacramento area that you can take advantage of:

California Association of Private Special Education Schools (CAPSES) : CAPSES is a statewide professional association of nonpublic schools, agencies, organizations and individuals who specialize in the delivery of quality special education programs to students with special education needs.

Applied Behavior Consultants: Applied Behavior Consultants, Inc. (ABC) is a human services agency that is dedicated to enhancing the quality of life for people with developmental disabilities and learning disorders.

Support group for parents of children with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD): This group is to support parents of ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) children--to provide emotional support, dispel the myths, answer questions and provide information on local resources.

California Department of Education Special Needs: Information and resources to serve the unique needs of persons with disabilities so that each person will meet or exceed high standards of achievement in academic and nonacademic skills.

Warmline Family Rescource Center: A resource and support service for families of infants and young children with special needs including a phone number staffed with trained parents of other special needs children ready to answer your questions.

Do you have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be answered every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: The In-laws

2011-09-05T21:29:51Z

Q: I know everyone has this problem, but it doesn't seem like anyone has an answer: in-laws.

My wife's parents are terrific people, but they always want to do things with us, invite us places, have dinners, come to our house, have us to their house and on and on and on. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. It is hard to say no because I feel like they are disappointed when we don't do things with them, plus it seems like my wife likes to be with them that often.

How do I breech the topic of not seeing her parents so often?

A: Mayday, mayday! Abort mission! Just kidding.Seriously though, this is going to be a sensitive topic if you are reading the situation correctly and your wife doesn't see an issue with hanging with her parents all the time.

Without knowing her and her personality, I can predict she will react one of three ways: 1) she will get incredibly defensive and accuse you of not really loving her family, 2) she will break down into an emotional mess and wonder if you really love her family and her, or 3) she will listen to your feelings calmly with an open mind and discuss options rationally that will make you both happy.

Only you know what kind of woman you married, so mentally prepare yourself before you bring it up for the most likely response. I will offer you these suggestions:

If you love her famiy and enjoy spending time with them, be honest about that fact but explain that seeing anyone that often is too much. If you are not wild about her family, consider keeping that info to yourself and moving on to the next step...
Offer suggestions about getting together at a frequency you are comfortable with (once a month, twice a month, etc.).
Suggest that she spend some time with her parents without you. You don't have to do everything together, and that will allow her to see them while giving you a much needed break.
When you do get together with them, suggest new things to do that will be fun for everyone and allow you to enjoy each other's company that much more.

You are a brave man and I wish you the best. Family situation are the most sensitive to broach, especially when they have to do with your spouse’s family. Good luck!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Baby Fever

2011-08-29T16:10:29Z

Q: My husband and I have been married for a little over two years. I have really enjoyed the time together, but now I am ready to have a baby. I have always wanted to be a mother and can't wait to hold my own little one in my arms. All of my friends are either pregnant or just had a baby.

My husband isn't on the same page as me. He isn't ready and thinks we should still wait another year or two. How can I bring him around to my way of thinking?

A: Having a baby is not the kind of decision you want to make alone. You and your husband need to be in 100 percent agreement before you even start trying to have a baby. There are a hundred things to consider, not the least of which are your jobs, your financial security and the maturity of your marriage.

I know you want to hop of the same baby train your friends are riding, but don't rush ahead of life and make a rash decision to the detriment of your marriage and your child's future. Think through all the angles and determine if you truly are prepared to bring a child into the world and give it all the love, care and attention it needs and deserves.

Once you and your husband are in agreement about moving forward with your family plans, that will be the right time to start.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Workplace romance

2011-08-22T21:45:22Z

Q: I am interested in a guy I work with and I know he is interested in me too, but I am nervous about getting involved with someone I work with. I really like (and need) my job, and if it didn't work out it would be so awkward.

However, I really think we would be great together, and I don't want to miss and opportunity to find love just because we are coworkers. Should I follow traditional workplace romance guidelines or throw caution to the wind?

A: Tough question. I have seen many relationships and marriages made in the workplace, and I have seen many relationships create endless drama in the workplace.

I think the outcome depends on a few factors:

What kind of job do you work in?

If you have a small, close-knit office with few people who know a lot about each other, you are much more likely to ruin the dynamics of the office if you break up. If your office is a large, multi-floored building with different departments, and you only know the names of 1/10 of the staff, a small office romance gone bad isn't likely to crack the infrastructure of the place.

What kind of person are you?

If you are low key, your relationship is not likely to draw a lot of attention, good or bad. If you are a drama queen who wants everyone up in your business all the time, then people are going to be watching you, judging you and waiting for you to mess up.

Keep these things in mind before you decide to move forward. I agree that missing a golden opportunity for love just because you work together is no good, but are you willing to sacrifice your job on the chance that he is "the one”?

Make sure you think all the angles through before you make a decision. That is your best bet.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Neighbor relations

2011-08-15T15:53:06Z

Q: I am having some issues with my neighbor. My neighbor doesn't mow his lawn, has quite a bit of stuff laying around his yard (junk) and regularly has loud parties late into the night in his backyard that disrupt my evening.

I don't want to create a strained relationship on our street because we both plan on living here a long time. The last thing I need is a vindictive neighbor. If I am not willing to straight up confront this guy, does that mean I just have to live with it?

A: To answer your question in an honest but blunt fashion, yes. If you are not willing to confront your neighbor, and if he isn't doing anything illegal, then you do have to live with it.

The unfortunate reality is that not everyone is a considerate neighbor. However, something you need to consider is that he may not realize how obnoxious he is. He may not think his yard is an eyesore or that he is playing his music loud enough to wake the dead.

It may take a well-meaning neighborhood representative like you to inform him. If you are completely uncomfortable doing that, talk with some of your other neighbors and see if they are feeling the same way. Perhaps one of them is willing to speak with him.

As I said, not everyone lives by the "good neighbor" code that you do. However, don't assume that he is just being a jerk. He really may not get it. Be tactful, but let him know he is causing a disturbance.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: The co-worker from hell

2011-08-08T15:48:16Z

Q: I have been working at the same office for nearly eight years. Our office dynamics are like most: pretty good but has issue sometimes. All that changed a month ago when the coworker from hell was hired.

This girl is one of the worst coworkers I have ever encountered. She isn't a bad person in general, but she is always late, she talks on her phone in the cubicles really loud, she plays music in her cubicle, she heats up smelly food in the community microwave, she is always asking to borrow change and never repays it, she is moody in the mornings and cranky in the afternoons. I think you get the idea.

Her attitude and quirky personality seem to bring the entire office moral down. What should we do? I am not sure how much more we can take.

A: I am pretty sure every office in America has "one of those people": The person in their office who makes it just a little bit harder for everyone to enjoy their workday.

So the question is, what can you do to curb her annoying habits? Well, there are a few things you can try, but no guarantees.

1. If she plays her music too loud, ask her if she has headphones or offer to loan her some. That is a common courtesy, and she shouldn’t be allowed to disrupt the work environment. You may need a manager to step in.

2. Gently alert her that she is talking too loud on the phone and that everyone can hear her. Cubicles are not soundproof, and sometimes people forget that when they are in a conversation haze.

3. The smelly microwave food: That is a touchy subject, and I am not sure you want to go there. Perhaps invest in some air fresheners to spray the area down with after she cooks up her food.

4. Find out why is is cranky during certain parts of the day. Does her blood sugar get low? Maybe she needs some mid-afternoon snacks or an extra cup of coffee in the morning.

5. Next time she asks to borrow change, just tell her you don't have any to loan her. Even if you do have change, it isn't for her.

Try to make the best of your situation. If you attempt pleasant conversation, you may find out you have something in common. You never know. That one thing can help you build a working relationship, and you might find that all those annoying habits aren't as annoying anymore.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: Single mom of 1

2011-08-01T15:46:04Z

Q: I am a single mother with a 5-year-old daughter. Her father has not been a part of our lives for many years. I have been on several dates, but it is hard to get past the first date when I feel the need to drop the "I have a kid" bomb on them before anything serious develops.

It seems like there is no guy on earth who is willing to take on that kind of baggage, regardless of how well we hit it off. I am pretty frustrated, but at the same time I don't feel like keeping that from guys until later in the dating process is the right decision either.

How do I get to the next step in dating without selling out my first priority, my daughter, in the process?

A: You are absolutely right: Keeping the fact that you have a daughter "hidden" from any potential "significant other" is not the right decision.

If you are dating just to have fun on dates, then you could probably wait a few dates before you dropped the bomb, but I sense that is not your purpose. You are dating to find a life partner — someone who is ready and willing to not only complement you in life but who is prepared to help you raise your daughter and be a father to her.

If that is the case, then weeding out anyone who isn't interested in that responsibility is an absolute must. Don't waste your time. I hope there is some guy out there just waiting for you and your precious daughter to come along.

After you have prepped your date and his doesn't tuck tail and run, offer to make date No. 2 a "family date" and do something with your daughter. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but let them interact and see how he responds to her and vice versa. Children are excellent judges of character. Bringing in a man is a decision that you and your daughter probably will need to make together, so allow her to help you screen them.

Meanwhile, good luck and happy dating.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Friend or Foe

2011-07-25T15:26:56Z

Q: I feel like one of my longtime girlfriends is too personal and flirty with my boyfriend. I don't know if she does it on purpose or not, but it bothers me. She is that way with a lot of guys so it isn't just him, but I feel like she does it more with my boyfriend, and sometimes it borders on inappropriate.

I don't want to make our relationship super awkward or accuse her of anything, but I feel like the time has come for me to say something. How do I bring it up without causing a huge scene?

A: Have you ever seen the movie "Runaway Bride"? I believe they dealt with a similar situation in that movie, and once the two friends sat down and had an open and honest discussion about it, the friend was very apologetic and remorseful. She never even realized what she was doing.

It sounds like your friend may be a bit more intentional, but I think the same concept applies. You need to speak with her. If her motives are pure and she is truly a friend, then she will respect your feelings and your relationship and back off.

However, make sure that you approach the situation by stating your feelings and asking questions, not by throwing around accusations. Let her know that her behavior hurts you and makes you uncomfortable, and you would appreciate it if she would make an effort to curb it when she is around you two.

Also, reassure her that your friendship is very important and that is why you wanted to bring this to her attention, before someone gets hurt. Honest conversation in place of accusations are important steps to take on the road to healing.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: I need self-confidence

2011-07-18T15:37:55Z

Q: Have you ever seen someone walk into a room that you can tell has it all together, is happy with what they wear, how they look and their personality? They may not be perfect, but they are okay with how they are. I am not that person. I hate my body, I don't think I am funny and I never know what to say in groups. I always feel like the clothes I wear don't fit in with the clothes my co-workers wear. I know it sounds silly and immature, but I have self-confidence issues and I don't know how to fix them.

A: I don't think it sounds silly and immature at all. I think a lot of people are dealing with the exact same feeling and I think that everyone deals with those feelings at some point in their life.

Self-confidence starts from within. If you think you are going to build it because of how other people look at you, what they say to you or how they react to you, then you are wrong. You need to be okay with yourself before it even matters what anyone else thinks.

When you hate everything about yourself, it seems like an overwhelming task to "recreate" your image. If that is what you want to do in order to like yourself, then I suggest you start small. Pick one thing about yourself that you think you can tackle.

How about your clothes? What is wrong with them? Do they not fit you or is it that they just don't fit the style you think everyone else wears? Do you like the style you have chosen? If so, stick with it but maybe add a trendy accessory or two so that you feel like you are hip. If your clothes don't fit your body, then you need to get some that do. That sounds expensive, so try going to a clothing swap. There are several in the Sacramento area that happen frequently. You can clear out your closet and fill it with clothes that fit and hopefully clothes that you feel stylish wearing. Also, bounce some ideas off some of the other shoppers there.

"Do you think this looks good on me?" "What do you suggest I buy?" In case you didn't know, girls love giving fashion advice to other girls...

Another way that you can improve your self-confidence is to practice your people and conversational skills. There are so many people that are not comfortable entering in to conversations in a group setting; you are not alone. Start small with just a few people or practice with your family. Bring up topics that interest you and that you are knowledgeable about so that you know what you are talking about.

When you do find yourself in a group conversation and you don't know what to say, listen to what other people say and how they enter in to the conversation. Study them and take mental notes so that next time, you'll be ready.

Just remember, self-confidence breeds self-confidence, so you just need a little bit of it to get yourself started. I know that you can do it and I bet there are others in your life who are 100 percent behind you too. Start there and take baby steps. You'll get there.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Love or Dreams?

2011-07-11T15:40:13Z

Q: I have been married for 4 1/2 years. I love my husband very much. I wouldn't say we disagree on much except one very important topic: what I want to do with my life.

I am just about to graduate from college with a degree in English and a minor in Journalism. When I started nearly six years ago, I thought I wanted to be a teacher or writer, but since then I have realized that my true passion is working with abused women. I volunteered at a shelter a year or so ago and realized that I could spend the rest of my life doing that. However, there is very little money to be made in it and we need a double income in our family to survive.

My husband, although normally supportive, would really like me to find a steady job. I just don't see myself throwing this dream aside, but I don't want to make it a huge issue between us. Should I pursue my dream or stay in the reality of bills and stick with a "real job”?

A: Your passionate dream is a very noble one. Working with battered women is an emotionally draining but very needed profession. You are right, though. Shelters and nonprofits are often short-staffed, under-funded and struggling to keep their doors open. Your job will likely always be in jeopardy, and you may struggle to pay your bills. All of those things, combined with your husband’s obvious reluctance to send you off to pursue your dream is likely to cause some strife in your relationship.

I am a believer in pursuing one's dreams. Life is short, and we only live it once. However, we also live in reality, and with reality comes responsibility. You know what monthly income your family needs to live above the line. You know how to keep peace in your relationship. I encourage you to perhaps find a job (as if that is an easy task these days) that can help you provide for your family and thus lessen the stress your husband may be feeling. Shelters are always looking for passionate and qualified volunteers to help fill the gaps their dwindling budgets leave behind.

Take five to 10 hours a week to volunteer at the shelter so that you can still pursue your dream but provide for your family while doing it. You never know — once you begin working there on a regular basis, one of two things might happen: You may decide this is not what you wanted, or other opportunities may arise as you immerse yourself into the community and meet people who will allow you to pursue it full-time.

Although life doesn't always give us the options we want to pursue our dream wholeheartedly while still making ends meet, you do have an option here to try to walk both lines. I wish you luck and hope you find your perfect place.

Have a relatonship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Splitting family holidays

2011-07-04T16:19:29Z

Instead of answering a reader question this week, I am venturing into a topic that I am fairly sure everyone faces, whether you are in a semi-serious relationship or you have been married for several decades: family holidays.

Whose family do you spend them with? Do you split time? Do you rotate holidays? Do you party hop? Do you and your significant other fight about this issue? Do you and your family fight about this issue?

I know it is a real problem that everyone faces today, and, unless you have just opted to blow off one or both sides of the family for the rest of your lives, you'll likely always have this issue. So let’s figure out how to make it as painless as possible for everyone, shall we?

First of all, have an open and frank discussion with your partner about their expectations for family holidays and what they would do if they had their choice. This is not the time to get offended that he doesn't like spending Easter with your parents or that she hates spending every Thanksgiving sitting around your mom's table. Allow this to be a sage, honest discussion so that you can start to make some decisions.

Once you figure out where you two would prefer to spend each holiday, have that same open and honest discussion with your families. Maybe you sit down and do it together, or maybe you each go back to your family and talk separately. Only you know what is going to be right in your situation.

Everyone is going to be forced to compromise, regardless of what decisions are made. It is likely that someone might be unhappy with the final decisions. The important thing is for each family member to know what is going to happen ahead of time so that they can plan accordingly, emotionally and logistically.

The holidays are intended to be fun, filled with laughter, good cheer and, God willing, relaxation and kindness. Make an effort to bring these traits with you to each gathering along with your side dish. Leave the guilt and harsh words at home. Understanding, compassion and a "go with the flow" attitude go a long way when it comes to family dynamics.

Happy Fourth of July and stay safe!

Have a Relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Be That Woman

2011-06-27T15:28:49Z

Q: I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of five years. In some ways it was heartbreaking, but in some ways it was just time. We grew apart and decided that there really wasn't a future for us as the people we had become. It still hurts though.

Now I feel like I am lost and don't know what my next move is. I am 32, single and don't remember how to start looking for someone to date, not even sure if I want to. I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life, though. I am not sure what my next move should be.

A: I am sorry to hear what a painful time you are going through right now. It sounds like the decision you and your ex-boyfriend made was the right one. Staying in a relationship that is not moving forward just because it is comfortable is the wrong decision.

As for you next move, I think you need to give yourself some time to heal before you go running out looking for your next relationship. You also need to learn how to be comfortable alone. I know it is cliche to say you need to "find yourself," but that really applies in your situation.

It sounds as though you lost your independence in your last relationship, and your identity was completely wrapped up in your boyfriend. Take some time to rediscover who you are as a woman, a single woman, and embrace that person.

Take yourself out, reconnect with your girlfriends, maybe go on an overnight trip. You need to do some things for you that I bet you have neglected over the last several years.

Once you are comfortable being alone and have decided that you may be able to stay that way for the rest of your life, then you'll be ready to go out looking for a new relationship. Better yet, one may find you that you weren't expecting. Men are very drawn to women who are comfortable in their skin. Be that woman.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Help with a 4th Grader

2011-06-20T15:36:45Z

Q: My husband and I have just one child. We had planned on having more, but it never worked out. Now I am seeing that as a good thing because our son is going into the fourth grade (he is going to be 10 in November), and he has become a virtual nightmare to deal with on a daily basis.

His third grade teacher had to call me at work several times to report that he didn't come to class, that he got in a fight with a classmate or that he was rude to her. We have been having a lot of problems with him at home, too. He talks back to me, has even hit me on occasion and does not listen when we tell him to do things or try and punish him.

I think we are at the end of our rope. It is causing some issues between my husband and I as well, and that isn't helping the situation. I don't know what to do.

A: I am really sorry that you have to go through this right now. I am guessing that there was a time when your son was younger that life was good and could never go wrong. My suggestions to you are multi-leveled.

I think your first step is to make sure your relationship with your husband is on solid ground. Kids pick up on parental tension very easily, and your son may be responding to what he senses between the two of you. I realize it is hard to decipher which came first, but deal with something you can control: you.

Figure out why your problems with your son are causing a rift between you and your husband and fix it. Talk through the difficulties you are having together, come to an agreement about how to proceed, and stand firm together on every decision made about punishment, counseling or any other direction you decide to go. Presenting a united front to your son will go a long way in his return to exemplary behavior.

As for your son, this is likely to be a long, hard road to travel. I believe you are probably at the point where you need to seek help outside of the home. Professional counseling may not be an option for you, but having him sit down with a trusted friend or adult figure in his life to talk through some of his frustrations may be an option. If he is unwilling to do that, ask him if he will write a letter about why he is so frustrated with life or what makes him angry. Sometimes writing is easier than speaking.

There may be things going on at school you aren't aware of. Talk with his teacher and find out if he is being picked on or if there have been any other situations that you didn't know about. If he has some specific friends he always hangs out with, talk to their parents and find out if they know of anything that is going on or if they have noticed similar behaviors in their kids.

The bottom line is, you need to be involved in what is going on in your son’s life. If your schedule allows, volunteer in his class, do things together as a family, talk to each other. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are just giving him space. He wants your attention and he wants your love. Acting out may be his way of asking for it.

Here are a few Sacramento resources you can look into for professional help:

River Oak Center for Children

Family Tree Couseling

Carrie Harper: Marriage and Family Therapist

Cross Creek Family Family Couseling

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Caring for Aging Parents

2011-06-13T14:52:51Z

Q: My wife and I have been talking recently about whether or not we want to take on the responsibility to caring for my aging mother. She currently lives in another city, and my father just passed away. She is becoming more and more compromised physically and mentally, and I don’t feel safe having her live so far away with no one to look after her.

My wife is not on board with the idea of having her come live with us, mainly because she is a stay-at-home mom and would become a stay-at-home caretaker as well. We could technically afford to put her in a home, but I don’t want to do that. I want to honor my wife’s opinion, but it is my mother; I don’t know what the right move is.

A: Caring for aging parents is a very hard fact of life and one that so many people are faced with. There is no easy solution and no easy answer. Bringing your mother into your home without you and your wife being in complete agreement is not the answer. It is very noble of you to want to care for your mom in her old age, but sacrificing your marriage to do it is not worth it. Consider it from your wife’s perspective: It sounds like the burden is going to fall on her during the day, and if you already have children that is a lot to deal with.

If you are dead set against putting her in a care home, I urge you to consider some other alternatives. If you have the funds to put her in a home, then you likely have the funds to pay for some in-home care. There are several excellent in-home care providers in the greater Sacramento area that provide all levels of care depending on your mother’s needs. If your wife doesn’t bare the full burden of her daily care, perhaps the idea of her coming to live with you won’t be so hard.

Take a look at a few of these in-home care options and see if they provide the kind of care that your mother needs and if they are within your budget. Then sit down with your wife and discuss the options. Make sure you listen to her thoughts, fears and opinions. Remember, it is your family’s home and you need to protect it, as well as your relationship, but that doesn’t mean you cannot take care of your mother as well. Good luck to you.

Vitas: End of Life Care

Support For Home

Care.com: In-home care search engine

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com with your questions. Questions and answers will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: No excuse for abuse

2011-06-06T15:48:10Z

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years. We have talked about getting married someday, but we both want to finish school first, which is a few years off. The first few years of our relationship were really great, simple and fun-loving, but it seems as life gets more complicated and demanding (or as we grow up) that things have become more strained between us.

He has a pretty short temper and gets upset at me sometimes (for some pretty stupid things, in my opinion). He has never hit me or anything, but the things he says to me are hurtful. I want to get us help, but I don't even know how to bring the subject up. I am afraid if I suggest that he get help for his temper that it will be the worst fight we have had yet. Any advice?

A: First of all, I know you said he has never hit you, but sometimes these things are a progressive habit. If you have ever felt like that is the next step, I encourage you to get out right now, before you ever find out. There is never an excuse for abuse, and often verbal attacks can leave you just, if not more, scarred than physical attacks.

If you are serious about trying to pursue help in your relationship, first take stock of what is currently going on to decide if the relationship is worth saving. How often are you fighting? Of those times, how often does he lose his temper? Have you ever been physically or emotionally afraid of him?

How often do the two of you have fun together? Do you share your feelings about other things in life with him, or is that much even too stressful? You can see where I am going with this. Is this relationship worth trying to save, only to have it continue to go downhill?

I have to stress this: The first and foremost concern has to be your physical, mental and emotional safety. If you cannot express your fears, desires and hopes to this man for fear of his temper, I do not think this is the right relationship for you. Love is a safe zone. It is not supposed to threaten your well-being.

If you are interested in speaking with a licensed professional about your current relationship issues, here is a link to some local therapists in the area. Meanwhile, talk to someone close to you who you trust and who loves you. Stay safe and remember that you have to put your own well-being first.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Nothing in common

2011-05-30T18:00:22Z

Q: Do most couples, when they get into their more comfortable years, still do a lot of things together? I am still madly in love with my husband, but we never do anything together. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his friends and hobbies, and never the two shall meet. Is that normal? I kind of want to do things together, but I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

A: Never fear. You are normal. I know a lot of seasoned married couples who don't spend much of their downtime doing activities together. It doesn't mean you are growing apart, just that you have different tastes and likes and are comfortable enough with each other to be apart. That said, I think trying to find a few things to do together will only enrich your relationship that much further. Spending quality time with your partner in a stress-free setting is priceless, so I encourage you to find something that you both enjoy and do it together.

Perhaps each of you can take an opportunity to introduce the other to one of your hobbies, or find something completely new to try. Going out to eat together is always an easy solution if you have the budget to accommodate such luxury. Going for walks together in the early evening is a free and relaxing way to wind down as well.

Ask your friends what they do with their spouses. Maybe they'll have a good idea for you to try. Needless to say, independence in your relationship is a good thing, but finding time together is also a great thing.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: The concept of religion

2011-05-23T11:56:24Z

Q: I feel so old-school even asking this, but do couples need to have the same religious beliefs anymore to make it work? My boyfriend and I don't really believe the same spiritually and I wonder if it will become an issue for us in the future. Does he need to convert to Catholicism before I can consider settling down with him?

A: There is no right or wrong answer to this question, nor is there one answer that is going to work in every situation. Religion and spirituality means different things to every person, and how that effects your intimate relationships really depends on you.

For instance, are you a weekly, daily or holiday Mass attendee? Do you go to confession? Do you pray the rosary? Do you observe Lent? As you have probably guessed, I am wondering how committed you are to your faith, because that is ultimately going to determine how important it is to you that your partner be of the same religious persuasion.

I think it is important that, even though your boyfriend doesn't believe exactly as you do (or maybe he just doesn't practice), that he doesn't believe in anything that is contradictory to what you believe. If you are a committed churchgoer and he is not, you two need to be in agreement about your attendance at church and your time commitment there so that it does not become a sore spot in your relationship.

As for whether or not you must believe the same thing, it certainly can't hurt, but I think that if both of you have a complete understanding of the other person's feelings and expectations, and are in agreement, then you should be OK.

Have a relationship questions? Send them to sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: The public break-up

2011-05-16T15:26:02Z

After being out of town and unplugged from social communication for over a week, I have decided to use this week’s column as a little op-ed piece regarding a very touchy relationship subject: the ever-so-awkward public breakup scene.

The only reason this is so fresh in my mind is that, during my vacation last week, I was caught in the tornado of one of the worst public breakup fiascoes I have ever seen. No, I was not breaking up, but my tablemates were. What started out as a pleasurable evening of watching UFC at a local pub in Long Beach turned into a horrible display of awkward, loud, hateful (and drunken) insults spoken by Miss to her Mister.

My party of four had been seated with this couple in an effort to conserve space in the room. They seemed pleasant enough, if not slightly into their cups when we arrived. We shook hands, introduced ourselves and made conversation while watching the fights.

She had mentioned that they had broken it off once before for several months but had gotten back together and were so in love now. They seemed happy. I thought we were having a great time until the look on the girl’s face started to turn dark and scary.

You think you can imagine what happened next, but really you had to be there to believe it. She got nasty. There was name calling. She began throwing things (food, forks and I think she knocked over a bar stool). Clearly he wanted no part of this public tirade and kept ignoring her outburst. That is when she got really mad.

By then my party and I were faced with the ultimate dilemma: Do we stay or do we go? Either way, we have arrived in Awkwardville, and no one leaves just as they came.

Needless to say, the night ended with her storming out, storming back in to say they were through, and storming back out. He eventually followed her after paying their bill and mumbling goodbyes to us with what seemed like a “this happens all the time” look on his face. In their wake they left a roomful of bewildered people who had missed half the programming they had come to see because of the live spectacle.

So, what is my problem?

Save it. Save your drama, save your tirade and save your childish emotional outburst for behind closed doors. Do not ruin my night out because you can't handle yours. If your relationship is on the rocks, stay home and deal with it there instead of parading it in the streets like a float. If your relationship only hits the rocks when you go out for a night on the town (and drink) maybe you should rethink your partying strategy.

Once you pass the age of 16, you have no excuse to have dramatic emotional scenes in public. Don’t blame it on the alcohol. Don’t blame it on your significant other or your friends. Take responsibility to grow up and make a decision to go out and enjoy a drama-free evening. I bet you’ll like it, and so will everyone else.

Back to your questions. Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

B Street's "Extraordinary Things" brings tragedy, hope

2011-05-03T06:12:15Z

Looking through the eyes of Anne Frank was truly an extraordinary experience at B Street Theatre.

“Extraordinary Things: Through the Eyes of Anne Frank” captivates its audience with diverse characters and realistic props.

Playwright Dana Friedman brings to life on stage the extreme conditions that millions of Jews had to face in Nazi-occupied Europe during World War II.

Directed by Buck Busfield, the play is set in Amsterdam-present-day-Netherlands-where Anne Frank, her family and four others lived in her father’s office building for two years to ensure the safety of Anne’s older sister Margot from the German authorities, who would have taken her to the a Nazi concentration camp.

The play begins with Anne telling the audience the details of her 13th birthday when Anne’s parents give her a diary that she fills with her most intimate and profound thoughts, but little does she know that soon the writings of her diary will dramatically change as quickly as her life will.

Anne is a free-spirited, witty and clever young girl who is experiencing all the normal phases that teenagers go through, only she must endure them with the presence of seven other people who are too wrapped up in themselves to notice Anne’s discontent for her new surroundings.

The size of the stage holds no resemblance to the actual space of the hide-out that the real Anne Frank occupied.

Though with the small beds, tables and kitchen area being so close together did create a lack of space for the characters who were on stage.

Stephanie Altholz, who plays Anne Frank, leaves the audience engaged with her sarcastic remarks about the personalities of her new roommates.

Anne’s sister, Margot, played by Cynthia Zitter, always does what she is told, unlike Anne. Margot is very quiet and likes to keep to herself.

As Anne’s family begins to get settled in their new living area, four others begin to slowly enter the stage one after another, also hiding from the Nazis.

The lighting on the stage illuminates the character of Anne, and a spotlight shines on her in particular parts of the play symbolizing the importance of her inner most thoughts and feelings.

Hans Van Daan (Dave Pierini), Mrs. Van Daan (Amy Kelly) and their son Peter (Chris Page) are the first three permanent guests to arrive.

While Hans Van Daan is a very straight-to-the-point kind of man, Mrs. Van Daan is in denial about her overbearing and rude behavior that everyone around her becomes fed up with.

The character of Mrs. Van Daan is that of pretentious chatterbox who can never keep her mouth shut.

Peter Van Daan is a shy, often silent young man who has a strong admiration for Anne’s clever and courageous personality.

Dr. Dussel, played by Greg Alexander, is the last person to arrive, leaving behind his wife and son.

Anne’s relationship with each character begins to unfold as days turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into one year.

Mr. Frank, played by Michael Stevenson, is the concerned yet kindhearted father figure who provides comforting words to everyone in times of fear and panic.

Costume designer Paulette Sand-Gilbert selects pieces for the characters that reflect their personalities.

Jamie Jones plays the role of Mrs. Frank, who is also concerned for Anne and emphasizes her disapproval of her daughter’s relationship with Peter.

After one year, the conditions in the annex become unbearable, there is not enough water for everyone, and a horrible stench begins to fill the office.

Anne starts to isolate herself from the others more often, as her thoughts of loneliness and hopelessness take over her once-optimistic outlook.

Finally, Gies comes to visit the Franks, Van Daans and Dussel.

Gies informs everyone that the war is coming to an end.

Everyone gets excited and hopeful for their futures outside of the annex.

Anne is 15 when the German authorities find the “Secret Annex,” and as each character fearfully exits the stage, they know their fates will soon be the Nazi concentration camps.

In the play Anne says, “Youth is lonelier than old age,” something she experienced both hiding in the annex for a year and then later, when she was sent to a concentration camp, where she died.

The show runs until June 5 with performances at 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. Saturdays and Sundays.

Tickets are $22 for adults, $15 for children and can be purchased at (916)443-5300 or www.bstreettheatre.org

Real Realationships: Impatiently waiting for him to "Pop THE Question"

2011-04-25T15:56:44Z

Q: My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage for at least a year now. We know we want to get married, and I feel like we are ready. Actually, I feel like we have been ready for months, and I thought he felt the same way, but still no ring. I am trying not to read into it, but I am starting to worry maybe he is having second thoughts about wanting to marry me. We used to talk more about getting married, but all that conversation seems to have stopped. So am I freaking out for no reason or do I have a boyfriend who is about to turn and flee?

A: While I try to talk you off the ledge, consider this: Every guy wants to take his girlfriend by super surprise when he asks her to marry him. If you guys are as ready as you think you are, and you think you are both on the same page as far as what you want for your future, then it is likely that he has been plotting his proposal for quite some time now. The abrupt lack of marriage conversation could be a sure sign that he is trying to throw you off the trail.

As a disclaimer, every situation is different and you may need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious conversation and make sure you are on the same page regarding your future. Make sure you both want marriage and you agree on the time frame for your future. The last thing you want to have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.

My gut feeling is that you have nothing to worry about. Don't ruin it for yourself by over analyzing the situation. If he is working really hard to surprise you, don't blow it. If in another three months nothing has changed and you are still getting the vibe that he may be having second thoughts, then sit down and talk. Until then, just let it happen.

Have a realtionship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Realationships.

Real Relationships: Sibling Rivalry

2011-04-18T15:42:43Z

Q: I have two children that are close in age. My son is 13 and my daughter is 12. I feel like all they do is fight. I am a single mom, I work full time and the last thing I want to deal with when we are home together is them fighting non-stop. Half the time I am not even sure what they are fighting about, but sometimes it gets really loud and they are so angry.

I am just about at the end of my rope. What can I do to get them to get along and bring peace back to our home?

A: First of all, you are a hero for raising two kids alone and working a full-time job. That must be really hard, and you are a champ for even trying. As for the troubles at home, I can see how that would get really old, really fast. Your kids are right at the age when they are slowly leaving their childhood behind and entering the dreaded teenage years. They are fighting for independence even while struggling with the changes they face every day in their own bodies and what is happening around them. Hormones can't be blamed for all their troubles, but maybe that can take part of the blame.

While I don't suggest playing referee during their yelling matches, it is a good idea to sit them both down, listen to them share their woes, whether it be with each other or just the world, and try and come up with solutions together. It is pretty likely that they don't even have beef with each other as much as they do with the rest of the world, and their sibling is just the closest target in firing range.

Sit them down separately and talk about the top five things that they struggle with on a daily basis. Try to come up with solutions to those problems, or at least better ways to handle them. Once you have spoken to them separately, sit them down together and let them know how hard it makes home life to have them arguing and talk about how the three of you can function together as a peaceful family. Have an adult conversation with them about this topic. I think they'll really appreciate it. Ask for their help to make the family work. After all, you guys are in this together.

It is important to discuss this during a time of peace in the household, because that is when their ears are open and receptive. Then when the fire heats up and tempers rise, remind each other about how you agreed to keep things cool. I think it will help.

Like I said, you are a champion and you are doing good things. Keep it up.

Have a relationship question? E-mail sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships

2011-04-11T15:18:45Z

Q: I have a super tough decision to make. I am currently dating a girl that I would consider my best friend in the world. She is great. We have been dating for nearly four years. There isn't much wrong with our relationship except one thing: I am pretty sure we aren't actually in love with each other. So here comes the tough decision part. Do we break up because we can never see ourselves actually getting married, or do we stay together because we fear losing the single most important person in our life? I don't know what to do. I can't lose her, but I don't want to ruin our chances of actually finding someone we are in love with.

A: Wow. Seriously, seriously hard question. Hard situation. I am not even sure I have a good answer for you. I can say one thing: You should never stay together with someone you don't see a future with because you are afraid of what will happen if you break up. That isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to her.

Let me ask you this: Do you know for sure she feels the same way? Do you both feel like, even though you are the best of friends, you just aren't "MFEO" (“Sleepless in Seattle” reference: "made for each other")? If that is the case, then breaking off your romantic relationship in pursuit of true love should not dampen your friendship. I know that bit of advice may seem like a contradiction to advice I gave in a previous article, but I believe your situation is unique and deserves to stand on its own merit.

You both may find that after a period of time apart that you want nothing more than to be back together and give it another shot at being romantic and trying for forever. Or you may find that this, although a tough decision, was the best possible thing and freed you both up to find someone else, and you can continue a great friendship within the bounds of other romantic relationships.

Your first step should be to talk about it. Maybe you already have, but if you haven't, I encourage you to do that right away. Be painfully honest about how much you appreciate the friendship you two have built, how scared you are of losing it and how confused you are that you two don't seem to be moving toward marriage. Then be a sounding board for her feelings. I think you'll find that after you sit down and have an honest, open and productive talk about what you both are feeling, your answer will be clear. Good luck.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Love on the Internet

2011-04-04T15:40:04Z

Q: I have had some pretty bad luck lately with dating, so a few of my friends have suggested I try the Internet. I am not totally against it, but it just seems weird. How can you meet and fall in love online? Not to mention, is it even safe?

A: It does seem strange to think about "meeting" and falling in love with someone on the Internet, but you may be over-thinking it. Think of online dating services (eHarmony, plentyoffish.com, match.com) as a résumé review and phone interview.

This is when you can search through possible candidates, weed them out and interact with them without making personal, physical contact. If, after a while you decide you are comfortable with the idea, then you meet them in person. This might be when the whole “falling in love” part comes into the picture.

If you do find someone you are interested in communicating with and meeting in person, please follow a few basic safety rules. (Unfortunately, there are creeps out there who will take advantage of unsuspecting persons.)

1. Don't ever give out your address or offer to meet someone at your home. There is safety in numbers, but that doesn’t necessarily mean a group date. Meet your date wherever you are going, and make sure it’s a public place. This is also important because you have your own transportation. Anyone who is aware of society will understand why this is a good idea and not balk at the suggestion. If they do, cancel.

2. Make sure a friend knows where and when you are going. I know that sounds pretty high-school, but when we are talking about your safety and possibly your life, seemingly silly things aren’t so silly.

3. If you ever, for any reason, feel unsafe during the course of your date, leave. This is the very reason you met them at a neutral location. Now you have the opportunity to walk away from the situation and go home safely.

Also, here are a few other things to keep in mind as your launch out into the cyber-dating world

1. If you have a bad experience, don't give up. Just because your first online dating experience was a disaster doesn't mean they will all be. Evaluate what went wrong the first time and don't make those mistakes again. Were you too open? Were you too eager? Too trusting?

2. Once you find someone you think is worth spending time with, do it. Don't be afraid to spend time with someone you connect with. They might not be the person you are going to marry, but you won't know until you spend some time together

3. Don't rush the relationship because you feel desperate. A lot of people who "resort”* to Internet dating feel desperate to find the right person. When the do, they rush it into completion. Treat the relationship as if you hadn't turned to the Internet and still might not find the right person for 10 more years. Don't rush the beauty of the relationship.

*PS: You aren't resorting to anything. Internet dating has become quite popular. It isn't just unattractive people with terrible personalities who no one wants to date. That stereotype is dead. Internet dating sites are full of busy people who are tired of getting set up on dates by friends and co-workers or don't want to troll the bars looking for their next relationship.

Don't be afraid to branch out. You could be pleasantly surprised.

Do you have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships

Real Relationships: Letting kids grow up

2011-03-28T15:57:58Z

Q: I have a 16-year-old daughter who just got her driver’s license. She is a pretty good kid (as far as I know), but I am scared to death. My first instinct is to impose all kinds of rules on her like a curfew and who can and cannot ride in her car (once she can drive with other kids) and where she can and cannot go. Then I remember my parents doing that to me and how I rebelled. I don't want her to rebel like I did, but if I don't give her boundaries, she might run wild. What do I do to keep her close but let her grow up?

A: This is a pretty scary time for you, for sure. I can only assume this is either your only child or your oldest child, based on your reaction to her growing up. Although, in full disclosure, I have not yet had to deal with this situation personally, I will dispense to you some advice that my parents used that kept my brother and me close. Instead of forcing her to earn your trust, give her your trust until she proves she doesn't deserve it.

I know that probably goes against everything you were taught growing up and everything she has learned from her teachers in school, but change is good. By showing her that you trust her (since she has yet to do anything wrong), she will feel respected and grown up. But furthermore, she won't want to let you down. Just by extending that trust to her, you will build up her confidence as a driver, her confidence as your daughter and her confidence as a responsible adult.

Now, that said, it is OK to set some guild lines, but don't "lay down the law." Simply tell her what your wishes are, why you want her to follow them, and ask her to tell you if she feels the rules are unreasonable. Also, if she needs to bend the rules in any given situation to let you know ahead of time.

As with most things, transparent communication is the key. It is OK for her to know you are nervous about this next step in life, but don't let that fear paralyze your relationship. Use it to build a stronger bond between the two of you.

Have a relationship question? Send it to sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Keeping peace in the workplace

2011-03-21T15:32:51Z

Q: I have one of those co-workers who always wants to know what is going on in my personal life. Every Monday he asks personal questions about what I did over the weekend, how my boyfriend is and even how my dog is doing. I don't want to be rude, but I am the kind of person who likes to keep my work life separate from my personal life. I know he is just trying to be nice, but frankly I don't want him knowing anything personal about me. How can I make that clear without coming across as unfriendly or just plain mean?

A: Don't worry, you aren't the only one with this problem. I think we all have that co-worker who thinks that we are "BFFs" and wants to know all our secrets. You have every right to keep the separation between work and home, but there are ways to walk the line in order to keep the peace.

1. Don't ask questions about his personal life. That may seem obvious, but it is harder than you think. As humans, we are personal people, and in conversation you may ask about their weekend without even realizing it, thus giving them an invitation to ask about your weekend in return.

2. Try to avoid situations where casual conversations take place (i.e. the break room, lunch room or "water cooler").

3. Limit the personal artifacts and pictures you keep around your desk. When you display personal pictures or trinkets, the assumption is that this is a public part of your personal life and free game to be spoken about. If that isn't true, put them away.

4. Watch the conversations you have on your phone while at work. I know you think your cubicle walls are soundproof, but they aren't. Everyone within a 25-foot radius can hear you fighting with your boyfriend, your mom or that awkward conversation you are having with your doctor. Save any really personal phone calls for break time or non-working hours unless you want the whole office to know.

If you do find yourself caught in an awkward situation faced with a question you aren't prepared to answer, keep it vague. If you are asked what you did over the weekend, instead of citing specific activities, say something like, "Oh, I just hung out and relaxed" or "I was super busy running all over the place." Then change the subject or turn the question back on them if you feel desperate to keep the attention off yourself. You will likely come out unfazed and be back to work in no time without having to admit that you went to a raging kegger, lost one of your shoes and spent all day Sunday parked on the couch hungover.

It is your choice how much you want to reveal to your co-workers about your personal life, but don't ever feel forced to share more than you are comfortable with. You have the right to your privacy. Set those boundaries early and stick to them. People will learn to respect that, and it will go a long way in interoffice relationships.

Have a relationship question? E-mail sacpress@live.com Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: The 7 year curse?

2011-03-14T15:32:34Z

Q: I have been reading a lot lately in the media and other places about the "seven-year itch" that they say married couples get. Some "experts" say you can't avoid it, some say it doesn't even take that long to feel it. My husband and I haven't been married seven years yet, but some days I feel like we are growing apart. I still love him, but at times I feel like we have less in common than we did when we got married. How can we avoid growing farther apart or splitting for good?

A: Although I am sure you know this, let me remind you: Marriage is extremely hard work. Couples who believe love is just going to happen for them, and that it will get stronger over time simply by virtue of them being married to each other, are fooling themselves. A committed, strong, fresh marriage takes both parties putting in effort to keep it that way.

If you feel you and your husband are drifting apart, start to think about some of the reasons you felt in love in the first place. If it helps, even jot some of them down. Putting those things down on paper will help to remind yourself why your husband is worth the effort. After you do that, think of the things you used to do together for fun before you got married and when you were newlyweds.

Life gets in our way and the first thing to go is our relaxing extracurricular activities. Make an effort to work some fun back in your relationship by revisiting the fun you had when you first fell in love. On a daily basis, make a point to compliment your husband either before he leaves for work or first thing when he gets home. Be sure to add a physical touch in, even if it is just a brush of your hand across his back.

These little additions to your relationship can bring you back to a place of connectedness, and it sounds like that is what you are missing. You don't need to make huge changes — just a few little ones here and there, and I think you'll find that you two will naturally circle back together before you know it.

Your relationship questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships. E-mail them to sacpress@live.com.

Real Relationships: Staying friends

2011-03-07T17:45:23Z

Q: I dated my ex-boyfriend for nearly three years, but we kind of mutually decided that we didn't have a future, so we parted ways. We have stayed in touch and have no hard feelings toward each other. We have gone out a few times with mutual friends and we always have a good time. Occasionally he'll call me if he wants to talk to an old friend. Anyway, I have started seeing someone new, who I really like, but he doesn't like the fact that I am friends with my ex. I want to stay friends with my ex, but I really like the guy I am with now. Is it wrong for me to want to stay friends with my ex? Or does my new boyfriend have a point?

A: I see this situation a lot and I think the answer is almost always the same when it comes to healthy relationships: Let the past be the past and don't allow it to ruin your future. It is good that you and your ex are friendly and not nasty to each other, but "staying friends" might be taking it too far, particularly now that you are in a new relationship. Your new boyfriend deserves all your heart, mind and soul. Even if you don't think you still have feelings for your ex, allowing yourself to walk the line between the two is dangerous, and it has no place in your new relationship.

You once had strong feelings for this man, were intimate with him and, dare I say, maybe loved him? Is it so easy to just turn those feelings off when you keep seeing him and talking to him? You broke it off for a reason. It is not fair to the new guy to keep rehashing the past. You will never fully realize the potential of your new relationship until your bury your old relationship. Allow yourself to move on and in turn allow him to move on as well. Most importantly, don't pit the two men against each other by asking yourself if it is right or wrong for your new boyfriend to not appreciate your lingering relationship with your ex. How would you feel if the tables were turned? That is what I thought...

Have a relationship question? E-mail sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured here every Monday in "Real Relationships"

Real Relationships: Welcome

2011-02-28T16:29:55Z

I hear it all the time: "Life is hard!" In reality, life is easy. It is the relationships in life that are hard. Our lives are full of relationships in every category: intimate, work, family, friendship, etc. On some level you even have a relationship with the person who makes your Starbucks every morning. In fact, that is probably the easiest relationship you have (or at least the most rewarding).

If you are married, dating, single or jaded, you interact with people every day who shape your life and how you lead it. If you are married, your spouse is likely the first person you see in the morning. Those first couple of minutes the two of you have together can shape the rest of your day. What if you fight? What if you say something you regret right before he or she walks out the door? That could ruin the rest of your day. Hopefully those first few minutes together are positive and uplifting, and your day turns out to be spectacular. It is mind boggling to think that just a few minutes in the morning can make or break your whole day, but we have all experienced it.

You may have experienced a similar situation with your children. Before you send little Suzie off to school, she accidentally spills her grape juice on your white carpet and you freak out! Well, not only is your day ruined because of how you dealt with her, but hers is, too.

What about dating? Dating is hard. Especially when you move from “we aren’t that serious” to “is he ever going to propose?” Ladies, we think we are the only ones suffering in relationships, but guys feel it too. They don’t talk about it as much, but it is just as hard for them as it is for us. They just express it differently.

We encounter so many forms of relationships throughout our day that sometimes we don't even identify them as actual relationships. Like the co-worker in the cubicle next to you, your boss, your son's daycare provider and of course, your loving significant other. Relationships can be life-giving or cause our deepest sorrows, but without them life wouldn't be worth living. I have studied and experienced many different kinds of relationships, including the conflicts that arise. I enjoy writing about relationship management and giving advice to those in need of direction.

Beginning Monday, I will be writing a column that will, hopefully, help you address some of the you are dealing with in your relationships. That doesn't just mean intimate relationships, either. I would like to hear from you about your kids, your parents, significant others and your co-workers. Thriving and healthy or suffering and weak, every relationship has its share of problems and solutions. Maybe together we can figure them out.

You can submit your questions to sacpress@live.com, and I will feature your questions and my answers/advice every Monday. Any questions that I cannot feature in an article will be answered personally. If you have a question that you would not like featured, please indicate that and I will be happy to dispense advice for you personally. All questions will be featured anonymously, so don't be shy!

I look forward to talking with you every Monday about Real Relationships.

Social Networking "In-Real-Life"

2011-02-21T02:19:12Z

Social media enthusiasts from around the city gathered Tuesday night at The Urban Hive for the Sacramento Social Media Club Relationships and Social Media presentation.

With Valentine's Day just behind us and the ever-increasing role of social networking in our day-to-day lives, relationships via the online frontier was a timely topic for discussion. Four speakers headlined the evening, and the audience was filled with some of Sacramento's most active facebookers and tweeps.

Up first at the podium was independent marketing consultant Paul Ardoin, who discussed facebook privacy settings and how to manage them. "facebook is a for-profit entity; every decision facebook makes on your privacy, they are thinking not about you, but about their revenue stream." Paul suggests checking your facebook privacy settings regularly to make sure they're still to your liking. He also recommends creating friends lists to take advantage of facebook privacy granules, especially if you have a boss who likes to critique your facebook activity.

Lanette Capellas, Staffing Director for The Agate Group, then discussed social media from an HR perspective. Layoffs are increasingly due to social networking negligence, and an overzealous willingness to share. One of her main points: think before you post. Is venting about a bad day at work worth losing your job over? Lanette thinks not, and most are likely to agree. If your fingertips get the better of you and you end up saying something you regret, thank goodness you took Paul's advice and already divvied up the permissions on your friends list.

Feel like your friends list isn't long enough to divvy up? Not to worry, "strangers are friendships waiting to happen," says Laura Good, executive director of Social Media Club Sacramento. Sacramento twitter use is ranked fourth in the nation. Utilize that to your advantage and engage people on social networks in order to realize the real-world potential of a virtual friendship. You can also use hashtags (e.g. #smcsac or #sacbeerweek) to find events going on around town. Laura also recommended MeetUp and Couchsurfing for connecting with like-minded people in town

If you just spent Valentines Day hopping from venue to venue and you still couldn't find your sweetheart, maybe an online dating site should be your next stop. MetroSpark.net is a locally based internet dating site that provides personally tailored classes to help your outward presentation match your inner self. Amar Dhariwal, founder and current CEO of the site, also discussed an array of other online dating sites and even the new generation of mobile dating apps that include geolocators for singles out on the town.

The night concluded with a raffle; the prizes included tickets to B Street Theater, Esquire IMAX, the Sacramento Zoo, California Lecture Series, de Vere's St. Patrick's Day in the Park, and the Sacramento Kings vs Clippers game. Food and beverages provided by Chick-Fil-A Arden Fair and The Sacramento Press made the after party all the better. You may watch the video of the presentation on the Sacramento Social Media Club's uSteam channel. “Like” their Facebook page to stay tuned in for information on future events. The club is also active on Twitter.

When Love Hurts

2011-02-01T04:00:06Z

Children are caught in the cross fire of domestic abuse every day in the Sacramento region, and throughout California. According to Sacramento-based WEAVE Inc., nearly one in every three women will experience abuse at some time in their lives – abuse that is defined as between intimate partners, where one partner is using physical or emotional abuse to gain power or control.

The cycle of violence, which includes a tension phase, explosion, and a honeymoon period often repeat until, ultimately, someone is damaged beyond repair.
Enter Juliani Cardenas.

Juliani Cardenas is a name that every Californian has come to recognize.

An unfortunate four-year old who unwittingly graces the spotlight with his megawatt, missing-tooth smile, thanks to Jose Esteban Rodriguez’ abusive behavior and desire to control an ex girlfriend.

But Rodriquez is just one of many abusers to make headlines, and there are many more whom we will never hear about at all.

According to Sergeant Brian Dean, of the Folsom Police Department, most domestic abuse goes unreported.
“When we arrive at domestic violence calls, the person will frequently tell us this has happened before, but that he or she didn’t report it,” he said.

There are several reasons that abuse might go unreported. Sergeant Dean explained the victim might be afraid of retribution, or feel like he or she deserves the abuse. Also, the abuser might be the main breadwinner in the family.
“Frequently the violence goes unreported because the likelihood is that one of the parties is going to go to jail,” Sergeant Dean said.

Would Juliani be safely ensconced in his family home if Tabitha Cardenas, Juliani’s mother, had reported the abusive behavior?

According to statements from Amparo Cardenas, Juliani’s grandmother, Rodriguez’ three-year relationship with her daughter was “tumultuous due to his possessiveness and jealousy.”

Though Tabitha Cardenas had broken things off with Rodriguez, he continued to drive by the home – stalking behavior that must have raised red flags for the family.
Possessiveness and jealousy seem to be prime catalysts in the abuser’s arsenal of anger.

Jennifer Sanders, a petite blonde whose tired appearance ages her by 10 years, though she’s only in her mid 30s, knows how abusive a jealous lover can be. Married in 1992, Sanders’ husband, now divorced, kidnapped her at gunpoint, tortured her, and spirited her away to his mother’s home for three days.

While Sanders’ husband went to prison for his crime, the horrific night he abducted her was the first time he’d been caught, but was not the first time he displayed jealousy with his feet, fists and firearms.

The marriage was a dangerous one right from the start.
“I had a daughter from another marriage, she was five years old in 1992,” Sanders explained. “Not long ago my daughter asked me, ‘mom, do you remember when he would tie you up and make me go sit in the closet’? Everyone was afraid of him,” Sanders admitted.
When Sanders’ husband went to prison – just a three-year term, according to Sanders’, because of the fact that she was a drug addict, her husband still exerted control.
“He would keep me on the phone, from prison, practically all day and night. I would have to beg him to let me get off the phone long enough to give my daughter a bath, or to walk to the store to buy food,” Sanders said. “He made me move in to an apartment across the street from his mother, and God help anyone (male) who made eye contact with me.”

Sanders said she was too scared to reach out for help. “Everyone was so afraid of him; the whole family was,” she said.

Mona Iki, a 28 year old plump-cheeked and smiling young woman, was a victim of domestic abuse as well. She knew her husband, now divorced, was abusive when she met him.
“He had just gotten out of prison for beating another girl, but I thought I could save him,” she said. “It started slow; manhandling me, grabbing me, but it eventually progressed to full-blown punches.”

Iki said her husband was paranoid; always thought she was cheating on him.

“If we were going anywhere, I would have to look down. He would sometimes think I had a man in the house – he would frequently search. There was just no winning with him,” she said.

Today Iki’s ex husband is in prison for beating yet another woman.

Abuse is frequently repeated; a familial pattern or cycle from both the victim and perpetrator’s perspective. According to Nancy Atchley, pastor and executive director for Powerhouse Ministries, the cycle of abuse frequently begins in childhood.

“Usually trauma begins as a small child. Those people (victims) usually select partners who are abusers as well,” Atchley said. “Usually their self image is low, and often they are dealing with pain and trauma in their lives by self medicating with drugs or alcohol.”

Atchley believes that for abusers, the cycle frequently begins in the childhood home as well.

“It’s a big problem with our youth. Some young men have a father in prison, and have seen violence growing up. A lot of our men are insecure, as well,” Atchley said. “They want to be respected, and that comes out in dominating ways.”
Powerhouse offers programs that teach youth about appropriate and acceptable behavior.

“At our ‘Love on the Backseat’ event, we talk about domestic abuse, teen pregnancy – a lot of parents don’t talk to them,” Atchley said. “For some kids, this is the only sanity in their lives.”

With programs offered through organizations like Powerhouse Ministries, Women Escaping a Violent Environment (WEAVE), and drug and alcohol treatment programs, situations like little Juliani’s might be prevented.
But for now, the Patterson community holds its collective breath and waits – for a sign, a clue, or God forbid, something even worse.

I'll Drive This Car into the River!. . . or maybe just along it. . .

2010-03-04T23:34:10Z

It had been one of those mornings. The sky was an angry sort of grey and the rain pounded down on the roof, mercilessly. I'd had trouble sleeping the night before and my significant other had an early appointment at a government office. It doesn't matter which one, just that she was facing up to a couple of hours of dealing with bureaucrats who were trying to separate her from her money. With the little lady already on edge, I'd gone and absentmindedly wiped avocado on the kitchen hand towels that aren't really for wiping your hands on, you know the ones. To make matters worse, I then half-heartedly tossed the "decorative pillows" on the bed in a manner that could easily be (mis?)construed as mocking. Well, that did it. The fit, direct hit to the shan. Voices were raised, things were said. . . We were both in direct violation of Assembly Concurrent Resolution #112 that passed a few days ago up the street at the State Senate. It may be "No Cussing Week" in California, but it ain't at my house. Needless to say, we had a less than pleasant ride to her appointment. At one point I may or may not have threatened to drive the car into a ditch. I'm certainly glad I didn't, doing so would have been counterproductive, I see that now .

By the time I dropped her off, we had regained an air of civility and I sincerely wished her luck. Any lasting bitterness I may have had was far outweighed by the knowledge that she was entering the engorged belly of the vast Government bureaucracy, hoping that they could do something for her. That is a scenario I wouldn't wish on anyone. As I drove off, I felt a little badly about the way I'd handled myself, but I hadn't meant to disregard her little rules. Well, maybe with the pillows, man I hate those things. As far as Im concerned pillows are for laying on and, by definition, should be comfortable. Whoever invented the itchy, uncomfortable pillow that "looks pretty" can take the proverbial long walk off a short pier. Now that I think about it, whoever invented hand towels that are only to be touched with spotlessly clean hands can join her on that walk. But I digress, I am living in Jess' home, and as such, have agreed to certain rules. Among them is respecting that some things in the house are functional, while others are decorative. I had forgotten to abide those rules on a morning where I knew full well her tolerance for my bs was slim to none. If the Department of Homeland Security Advisory System had been applied to her chances of going off on me, we'd have been a full code red. I'd ignored the warnings, and I'd gotten what I'd deserved.

But this story is not about my ubiquitous missteps with my better half, this is a story of discovery. Not knowing how long her appointment would take, I decided to drive around a bit and take in a little more Sacramento. I ended up at the intersection of Gateway Oaks and Garden Hwy. I decided to head west on the aptly named highway and was immediately glad that I did. The Garden Highway, as I'm sure most of you know, runs atop a levee along the banks of the American River. Just a few short miles from our home in bustling midtown and I found myself in a totally different world. Once I passed the Riverbank Marina with its restaurants and shops on my left and a few necessarily evil cookie cutter residential developments on my right, I came upon the Virgin Sturgeon. I had heard from a friend of mine who works up here, that the Sturgeon is the best bar in all of Sac, and Jess had mentioned wanting to go there as well. Well after seeing it with my own eyes I can tell you that I am downright giddy with anticipation for the first summery day when the opportunity presents itself to take in the view from their patio while sipping on a bloody mary. I kept on going, passing first dairy farms, then horse ranches on my right, and a mixture of spectacular waterfront mansions and older, funkier, but still beautiful homes on my left. The sun peaked through the clouds as I came around a bend and suddenly dozens of small birds alit from their perches on the levees side and flew out over a field of bright yellow wild flowers. I was struck by what a wonderful intermingling of urban and rural life we have here in Sacramento. Horse farms and wildflowers on the banks of the American River just a few minutes away from the Capital building. It is fitting that the State Capital would be very much a microcosm of the diverse state which it represents.

I drove out as far as the sign which indicated the Woodland Airport being thattaway, before heading back. What had started as just a way to kill time after a rough morning, had turned into a wonderful Sunday drive, and here it was, only Wednesday. I took my time on the meandering trip back, enjoying the brief respite from the rain and the lovely scenery on both sides. When I got back to where I'd dropped Jess off, I found her as she found me, in a much better mood. The appointment had gone as well as could be hoped, and finished in a reasonable amount of time. Huzzah. We headed back home, with a brief detour to share my Sturgeon discovery with her, and I apologized for my role in the mornings, ahem, unpleasantness. And just like that, on the side of the Garden Highway, all was forgiven*. I can't wait to explore the Garden Highway more thoroughly in the days and weeks to come.

*just to be safe, I took her to lunch at Thai Basil on J Street, which is her favorite. I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.:-)

An Unlikely Double-Header: Funny People & The Hurt Locker

2009-08-08T07:52:54Z

Funny People
Directed by Judd Apatow
&
The Hurt Locker
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow

By Tony Sheppard
Capitol Weekly

At first sight, these two movies seem to have little in common, but watching them back-to-back while trying to catch up with the summer’s offerings reveals interesting similarities. “Funny People” is the latest from the Judd Apatow machine (‘The 40 Year SuperKnocked Dewey Zohan Step Talladega Express’ or something like that) while “The Hurt Locker” is from Kathryn Bigelow, a dudette who makes movies for dudes (“K-19: The Widowmaker” & “Point Break”). While I’m on the topic of “Point Break” does anybody know what the dudest of dudes Keanu Reeves was doing in town last week?

Anyway, “Funny People” tells the story of comedian George Simmons, played by Adam Sandler, as a character who could easily be Sandler himself in terms of both the success and choice of projects. George appears to outsiders to have everything in life – a ridiculously large house, assorted expensive cars, and flights on private jets – but he also has a blood disease and a 92% chance of imminent death. Feeling unfunny in his malaise, he hires the younger Ira (Seth Rogan), who idolizes him, to write jokes and to be his assistant.

Part of the appeal of watching “Funny People” is the insider feel as the characters encounter a significant stream of celebrities playing themselves, along with the easy onscreen friendship between Rogan, Jonah Hill and Jason Schwartzmann, who play three roommates in varying stages of show business success. Not only do the relationships feel real, but the circumstances feel like those I’ve seen with friends breaking into the industry.

The Hurt Locker” focuses on a team of bomb disposal experts in Iraq five years ago, facing the constant threat of improvised explosive devices in every unexplored piece of garbage on the trash-lined streets of war-torn Baghdad. The powerful performances are helped by the lack of stellar celebrity of the recognizable but relatively less well known lead actors (Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, and Brian Geraghty). This feels more like a character study than it might if one were watching Tom Cruise or Tobey Maguire (both minor punchlines in “Funny People”) defusing bombs.

Like “Funny People,” “The Hurt Locker” works in its depictions of both friendships and acquaintanceships because of the genuineness of the awkward and ugly moments. The verbal sparring is often more harsh than fond, even between buddies. While war is often depicted onscreen as a heroic endeavor, or at least as a series of tense but heroic moments, that’s not the focus here. Instead we see decisions made for many of the wrong reasons. Respect and trust are hard-won victories, not automatic outcomes of shared uniforms and roles.

What both movies have in common are individuals driven by needs so innate they obscure or destroy other pursuits. Most notable among these are personal relationships, both platonic and romantic. Sandler’s character is an inherently lonely man, who has squandered real connections in favor of shallow encounters. He is surrounded by fans and household staff, but nobody who he cares for or who cares about him. Renner’s character has become so good at what he does in the war zone that it makes more sense to him than the normal world. Their decisions and relationships are both driven by adrenaline rushes, whether in the face of high explosives or the explosive highs of fame and fortune.

There’s an addictive nature to what the movies show us. While the circumstances are extreme in both instances, the phenomena of choosing between career and relationships, or personal satisfaction versus the needs of others are more commonplace. I don’t immediately identify with either profession, but I can identify with the choices involved. I’m sure I’m not alone in that regard.

I enjoyed both movies at both surface and deeper levels, although both switch gears significantly along the way. “The Hurt Locker” has one or two scenes that seem somewhat inconsistent, although to some extent that fits the depiction of the inconsistency of combat.

“Funny People” switches between comedy and drama in a manner that some may find unappealing, especially those who are looking for one but not the other, but it also seems true to life in that regard. Both are journeys of self-discovery that take their central characters through painful introspection and not especially flattering or desirable realizations.

Both movies clock in at well over two hours and I wouldn’t recommend the double-header for any but the most ardent of movieholics, but I would recommend each to people who enjoy movies that package mood swings with a dose of soul-searching. Neither is especially surprising in their outcomes, but they are less about eventful surprises than about their respective character arcs.

Life and death conversations at work

2009-07-22T17:37:23Z

We’ve all heard the phrase: “Some things are better left unsaid”. However, there are times when we need to say things. Sometimes conversations become crucial, and have life or death stakes.

I interviewed Desiree Aragon Nielson, Learning and Development Professional at Catholic Healthcare West / Mercy in Sacramento. Desiree has been certified in teaching “Crucial Conversations”, a best selling book (McGraw Hill) based on extensive research. She trains employees in her health care setting, noting that “In health care, it is life and death …we appreciate crucial conversations as a tool”.

1) What are Crucial Conversations? Based on the authors’ extensive research, Desiree says “three elements appeared when a conversation becomes crucial: strong emotions, opposing opinions and high stakes”. If employees entering into a conversation share strong emotions, possess opposing opinions on the subject and each have high stakes attached to the outcome, than that conversation becomes crucial and needs to happen.

2) Why are Crucial Conversations Important at Work? One of the main reasons, says Desiree, is “I may know something that’s important for us to get the benefits of good work”. She also references the book’s authors and says “we dumb down our responses and allow group think to take over”. We may also acquiesce to authority and not have a crucial conversation. The results can be tragic. For example, the 1986 Challenge shuttle disaster was a result of crucial conversations not happening when they should have. In Desiree’s health care setting, crucial conversations can mean the difference between life and death.

3) How do we Have Crucial Conversations? When Desiree conducts training she shares many tips, including “STATE” and “Contrasting Statements”:

STATE: This is an acronym: "State” what you observed (“My teammate Sam arrived again late to the our management presentation”), “Tell” your story (“I feel uncomfortable when Sam arrives late because I’m worry about our collective reputation"), “Ask” for Sam’s experience (“What was it like for you Sam coming in late to the presentation?”), “Talk Tentatively” (being open to your reality changing based on Sam’s response), and “Encourage Testing” (continually testing your assumptions of the situation based on the dialogue and the accumulating pool of shared meaning)

Contrasting Statements: Called “Don’t Want, Do Want”, these linking statements. Here's an example when someone you are talking to gets distracted by historical content: “I don’t want to loose sight of this historical information – I know what happened in the past is important here. What I do want from this point in time is to stay focused on what we want going forward”.

Questions for Sacramento Press Readers: How do you feel about crucial conversations? What helps or hinders your ability to have them in your work place? Desiree and I will be monitoring and participating in the discussion blog and look forward to your responses.

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Good Work NOW! is a weekly, local public access TV talk show featuring local experts to help viewers find and create good work. The interview with Desiree airs Sunday, July 26 at 7:30 PM on Channel 17. An abbreviated, 10 min version is available now at www.goodworknow.com

Good Work NOW!: "Toxic Co-workers"

2009-06-30T00:10:59Z

According to the April 2009 edition of the Harvard Business Review, toxic behavior in the workplace significantly decreases work effort, quality, morale and commitment. We are seeing more toxic behavior at work as a result of more negative emotions associated with the recession. So, it's important we take some time to look at this issue.

Joining me on the next episode of “Good Work NOW!” is leadership consultant Steve Sphar. Steve and I discuss toxic behavior – what it is and why it’s important to address, explore some interesting insights about perception and demonstrate a four step process that anyone can use to make a positive difference.

Steve defines toxic behavior as “a type of behavior that causes strong negative emotions in others”. He adds that there is a continuum - sometimes we perceive others’ behavior as simply annoying; it becomes “toxic” when it generates strong negative emotions in us, such as fear and anger. Typical examples of toxic behavior include bullying, gossiping, taking credit for others’ work, and victimhood (chronic complaining, whining and persistent negativity).

He emphasizes that perception plays a critical role: “If we define toxic behavior as something that generates negative emotions … emotion is a factor of interpretation”. For example, let’s say a co-worker slams a book on a table during a staff meeting. One colleague could perceive that behavior as enthusiasm, another could perceive the same behavior as aggressive.

Steve shares four steps for assertively communicating with co-workers that you perceive to be exhibiting toxic behavior:

Step 1: State Your Intention. Tell the co-worker that you would like to talk with them: “Joe, can I have a few minutes of your time to talk with you about something that I’m concerned about?”

Step 2: State Objective Facts. Describe the behavior in terms that Joe is likely to agree with: “This morning at the staff meeting when you slammed the book on the table …”

Step 3: State the Impact on You. Describe how you felt when you observed the behavior: “…it made me feel uncomfortable”.

Step 4: State Your Request. Ask for something different in the future. “I would like to ask that in the future you not slam your book on the table.”

Steve adds that we cannot control other people. But, we can control how we act. He adds: “A lot of the time the person doing the [toxic] behavior doesn’t know they’re doing it and when you call them on it, they’ll stop. Sometimes people just don’t know; they don’t get the feedback”. By being assertive, individuals can neutralize toxic cycles in the workplace. If we ignore it or mirror it back, we may be contributing to the toxic cycle and becoming a toxic co-worker ourselves.

You can watch Steve conduct a perception test and the two of us role play his four steps on Sunday, July 5, 7:30 – 8:00 PM on Access Sacramento Channel 17. An abbreviated, 10 minute archived episode is available for free at www.goodworknow.com.

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Background / Disclosure:

Good Work NOW! is a weekly, non-commercial public access television show produced at Access Sacramento and is a volunteer effort by Brian Moffitt, my guests and crew (Daniel Lorenzo, Jemuel Johnson, Molly Lynch, Marge McCreary, and Scott Trend). This 30 minute talk show features local experts and our mission is to help viewers find a job, develop their career or business or improve morale or productivity. It airs every Sunday evening at 7:30 – 8:00 PM on Channel 17 and streams at www.AccessSacramento.org, with an encore streaming every Monday, 11:30 – 12:00 noon. The purpose of this weekly column is to share key points and tips from each week’s episode and invite readers to watch the program if they want more details. If you have any questions or comments or have a story or expertise that will help others find or create good work, please contact me at brianmoffitt@comcast.net or visit our website at www.goodworknow.com.

Bringing in the Reinforcements

2009-02-15T15:33:40Z

“I’ll have my people call your people.” Have you ever known someone who could get anything done because he had all the right contacts? The wheelers and dealers of the business world know all about this. They build networks of people to get results and solve problems. They are good at what they do for their companies, but the art of networking is not something exclusive to commerce – it is useful for neighborhoods too. Finding allies for our tracts who will help foster community and reinforce the change we are working toward is critical for success.

Thankfully there are a plethora of potential partners for neighborhood growth and it’s just a matter of tapping into relationship with some of these people. Below is a list of suggested groups to begin networking with. Remember that the best relationships are authentic and mutual.

The City: First off, make sure that the city knows what you are attempting so that they can support you with resources and ideas (or maybe even funds). Go ahead and introduce yourself by phone and email to certain departments – start with Neighborhood Services and Housing. It’s okay to ask the city for help, rely upon their expertise, and let them know what your subdivision needs. Keep the city up to date with your efforts and especially success stories – maybe a first BBQ, the beginning of a neighborhood blog, or a community painting project. Hearing of your accomplishments may encourage and fuel city workers to work harder for neighborhoods – and maybe even your area. Remember that many people try to get results by complaining, and there is a place for that, but a positive attitude, listening, persistence and saying thank you sometimes gets the job done more quickly.

City Council: Invite Council Members to BBQs, neighborhood walks, or whatever you are planning, and ask them for advice and ideas on community building.

Neighborhood Watch: This organization began as a national campaign in 1972 and is a strategy to bring residents and police together to “take a bite out of crime.” See www.usaonwatch.org

Police Department: Find out who your neighborhood patrol officers are and invite them to events and to talk with residents about crime prevention. Let them know right away by phone or email when there are problems in your area.

Neighborhood Associations: Contact local neighborhood associations who have experienced success. Ask for advice and learn from their victories and challenges.

Local Nonprofits: Which local nonprofits in your area are relevant for residents? Ask around about organizations, grants, churches, and groups that could assist your efforts.

Business: Ask local businesses to sponsor an event. They will gain publicity and you won’t have to pay out of pocket.

Local Media: Let the local newspaper know about your efforts and events. Maybe they could write a story or at least publicize your gatherings in the community calendar section.

Maybe your rolodex is much thinner than some of the savvy entrepreneurs in town, but building a network of people over time who are experienced in community building will profoundly affect your neighborhood. You will be able to connect residents to resources and help bring some of the change needed in your tract. This makes you even more valuable to your community.

Which of the above suggested resources resonate with you? Why?

Part VIII The Art of Hospitality

Finding Like-Minded People

2009-02-14T14:47:30Z

It’s nearly impossible to win with only one great player. Even megastar athletes like LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, and Tom Brady have all needed good players around them to succeed. The same is true in our neighborhoods. Experiencing a more vibrant community requires a sense of teamwork that bonds residents together and goes beyond unrelated efforts by a few individuals. Finding like-minded people who want to help your neighborhood become more connected is the key in getting things started.

How do you begin to piece together a team for the neighborhood? There is no exact science toward discovering the right people, but below are some principles to begin with. Pick and choose what will work best for your situation and don’t feel you have to do everything at once.

1. Take your time: Change won’t happen quickly and it takes time to connect with people and build trust, so pace yourself as you meet residents.
2. Ask Questions: The best way to find out what people think the neighborhood needs is to ask questions and then really listen to what people are saying.
3. Pay Attention: In your conversations with residents, who is talking about wanting to see change in the neighborhood? These are like-minded people to join forces with.
4. Tell Your Story: Share with residents your desires for the neighborhood. This can be at a formal event, but mostly occurs in the course of every day conversation.
5. Do Something: People are attracted to a sense of direction and positive vision rather than complaining. Decide to do something and make it easy for others to join in.
6. Start Small: Rather than taking on every issue that needs attention in your neighborhood or doing a huge project, think about practical goals that are doable. Build in success by meeting smaller goals and then take on larger projects as more people come along.
7. The Word on Flyers: If you pass out flyers, keep in mind that people generally don’t respond to flyers on their doorstep without personal interaction. If possible, it’s best to knock on doors and introduce yourself while handing out flyers.
8. Start with a BBQ: Do a potluck-style BBQ for your street. Make a flyer, find someone to plan it with you, and delegate details to other interested residents. While at the event, have a sign-up for a phone tree, email list, or a future community gathering.
9. Be a Chief: Many people don’t want to be a chief, so step up and be the leader for a time and then watch the domino effect as others begin to find ways to lead in the neighborhood. People are more likely to join when they realize that they are not being asked to commit their lives away or be the point person.
10. Volunteers Come and Go: Life gets busy and people come and go. Thank people for their time and don’t expect that volunteers should or want to give as much as you do. Remember too that not everyone wants to be involved.
11. Keep People’s Best Interest in Mind: Encourage people to do things that they want to do in the neighborhood. When people do things they are comfortable with or passionate about, there is a better chance of success because they feel respected and empowered.
12. Find a Simple Communication System: Consider starting a blog, newsletter, e-Group, e-mail list, phone tree, or some sort of forum where residents can begin talking more regularly. Whatever you do, first get a few people on board to launch it and then invite others to join. Be creative and do what is going to work for your neighborhood.

Our society is aching for community leaders who will find ways to bring their neighbors together. These people do not need to be experts either, but only willing to set the pace. There are likely quite a few residents around you already who are hungry to see your neighborhood come together. Many times though people are simply waiting for someone to get the ball rolling, someone to be a leading voice for your street or tract – someone like you.

What does a community leader look like? Go to the mirror.

Part VII Bringing in the Reinforcements

A Legacy for our Children

2009-02-13T15:00:50Z

Fred had a big problem. He and his next door neighbor were in the habit of heated arguments, squirting each other with the water hose, and even on the verge of fist fights. These two men despised each other. Fred was in the thick of a worst-case scenario situation where moving to another neighborhood seemed inevitable. He clearly had some issues to work on, but the real question I wonder about was what his three daughters were learning from their Dad as they watched his belligerence toward the man next door.

What type of neighbor do you want your children to be one day? What are your hopes for them when they plant their roots in a community?

It’s easy to think of our children’s success in terms of academics, sports, a college education, and a good job. Certainly these are gauges for accomplishment, but let’s make sure that no matter what our kids do in life, that we teach them to be good neighbors for along the way. Passing on a value for neighborliness will give our sons and daughters an edge in the world because they will learn to grasp the importance of enjoying life with the people around them, solving problems, being considerate, and building social networks in the real world beyond Myspace and Facebook. If our kids watch us being friendly to residents, grilling steaks with people next door, taking in mail when neighbors are on vacation, or calling the police when seeing suspicious activity, they will discover something valuable: that relying on others is important, that people can be trusted, and that being connected to other residents is a dynamic part of what makes home feel like home.

At one time children readily learned to be great neighbors because there were different expectations. Kids were expected to be participants in their community, to be visible in the neighborhood, be outside until dinner was ready, and even be polite to other adults and families in the neighborhood (otherwise they’d discipline you too). But these days our society is increasingly more disconnected and people tend to not trust each other. Nowadays parents need to monitor closely where their children are and practically interview other households before letting their kids play together. Today’s children are often found inside glued to video games, television, or doing homework, all while getting less exercise and spending fewer moments outside in the tract. Overall it seems more challenging for parents to impart a lifestyle of neighborliness today because it goes against the grain of our society. But what will happen if we don’t? That’s the bigger question.

It’s rarely too late to pass on values or start over. Maybe your kids are nearly out of the house, long gone, or you are just getting started. No matter how old they are, think of the impact you can have while your kids or even grandkids watch you interact with people next door or hear about how you are finding simple ways to be involved in your subdivision. I think of two residents in my community, Georgia & Paul, who are 86 and 83 years old respectively. Six months ago they showed up for a neighborhood beautification project where residents painted an expansive wall to help curb tagging. What do you think Georgia and Paul’s children and grandchildren thought of them when hearing about the painting project? What values do you think Georgia and Paul were able to amplify for their family?

What will your legacy be?

VII Finding Like-Minded People

Re-Believing in Community Participation

2009-02-12T23:42:40Z

I recently attended a funeral of a local man. He raised four kids, stayed married for fifty years, knew success in his career, and had many remarkable traits. His eulogy was full of all the great stuff we often hear, but there was something more mentioned that was a very high compliment: he was a good neighbor. Story after story was shared about how he was known to say hi to others, pay attention to people around him, find ways to care for folks next door, talk to passersby, befriend local teenagers, and even share his roses and vegetables with neighbors.

The notion of being a contributor to the health of a community is seldom on the radar in today’s society. Somewhere along the way we lost the value for connectedness and are now more isolated and self-reliant. If we can re-believe though that it really does matter to have residents involved in neighborhood life, then our communities will thrive.

Whose responsibility is it anyway to help a neighborhood grow in the right direction? Is it the City and its programs? Council members? An HOA? Apartment managers? Local Business? Police? Code Enforcement? The answer is all of the above, but most of all it is the privilege of residents to shape the values of their tract. Just as each of us needs to eat certain foods to yield a healthy body, in neighborhoods individual households help to nourish the overall wellbeing of their area. Not everyone has a desire to be social or get to know others, and that is understandable, but as more and more residents choose to be intentional about their community, we will experience a vibrancy that no HOA fee could ever create.

When we begin to put effort into the stream of subdivision life we will see stronger relationships and a greater sense of communal vision, not to mention having a whole lot of fun. This is not about taking on big neighborhood projects, but instead buying into a belief that our individual contributions and giftedness are valuable for the soul of the neighborhood. Let’s begin to re-believe that each household has something to offer for the health of the community and then act accordingly.

You are important for your neighborhood. Do you believe that?

Part V: A Legacy for our Children

The Starting Line

2009-02-12T14:52:32Z

Improving a neighborhood can feel like trying to resurrect the Titanic, but in reality it’s more like flipping a burger with a family next door. When our prime focus is only on the problems in a community, it can start to feel discouraging and we give up, thinking “I don’t have the time or energy,” or “I can’t do this by myself”, or “I don’t even know where to begin.” I’d like to suggest though that the beginning point for strengthening a neighborhood is really about small every day choices rather than planning big events or programs.

Strengthening a community simply recognizes that relationships rather than high fences are what is most important. The truth is you do not need ample time, money, grey hair, or incredible leadership skills to make a difference in your tract. You only need to be attentive to your surroundings and intentional in some very practical ways. This is about a mindset, a lifestyle, a paradigm to live from.

Connecting with neighbors can be something very natural and it happens over time. It is not something that you have to plan for per se or worry about adding to your busy schedule. Below are some practical tips to connect (or re-connect) with neighbors:

• Sit out in your front yard or on your porch
• Wave to passersby and say “hello” to people
• Introduce yourself to new residents
• Find a resident to exercise with
• Volunteer to collect mail while your neighbor is gone
• Borrow a tool or ask for advice
• Keep your yard well kept
• Invite a few neighbors to holiday parties or have someone over for dinner
• BBQ in your front yard with one other household
• Say sorry when you need to
• Do an Easter egg hunt for your street
• Take regular walks
• Exchange phone numbers with neighbors in case of an emergency
• Talk to another resident about your desire to see neighbors connect

Most of life in a neighborhood consists of non-glamorous regular moments, but these small instances present opportunity for connection and are the building blocks for the future. Mother Teresa once said, “We can do no great things, only small things with great love.” Now go and do small things.

What tips do you have to connect with neighbors?

Part IV: Re-Believing in Community Participation

Finding Treasure in the Front Yard

2009-02-11T19:15:16Z

Not long ago on a Friday I drove home after a long and tiring week of work and found my neighbor Queen bringing in my trashcans. While getting out of my truck Queen grinned sheepishly and told me I was not supposed to catch her in the act. This was a small deed of kindness on her part, but I gave her a big hug and thanked her for making my day.

In essence what made this act so meaningful was that my neighbor stepped outside of the confines of her parcel lines into a “front yard dynamic” where we could connect over something so simple. Had she not dragged in my trashcans, I would have just done it myself. But since she took the initiative to do something thoughtful for my family, an opportunity for connection emerged. The truth is that basic expressions of neighborliness like this serve as the foundation for finding treasure in the community - stronger relationships and a more connected neighborhood.

Over the past two years my tract has been rediscovering just how wonderful it can be to experience life together in the front yard. Come along for a glimpse into what has been taking place.

• Last year ten residents brought meals to a neighbor with cancer to help ease her burdens
• 30-40 neighbors painted a 3400 square foot section of neighborhood wall that was prone to tagging
• Residents went Christmas caroling on a flatbed truck
• Jamie & Ruth & the Scott Family landscaped two entrance corners to the tract
• Mark & Sarah started a monthly neighborhood prayer meeting
• Clark began a bi-monthly neighborhood walk
• Janel planned a neighborhood-wide garage sale
• 25 residents attended a meeting to discuss problems with the local park
• We had two American Idol BBQs on the night of the season finale in ’07 and ‘08
• We started a blog, website, email list, and an e-Group

Something is happening here. We are finding a sense of community that was once prevalent throughout our neighborhoods but seems to have been lost in the past few decades. Great neighborhoods are not about big and fancy houses, income level, or perfect lawns, but rather residents who believe in their community and take ownership for shaping the values of the neighborhood.

What sort of “front yard” dynamics would you like to see happen in your neighborhood?

Part III: The Starting Line

Momma, what happened to the neighborhood?

2009-02-10T23:40:36Z

One of the constant themes that Home Depot commercials hit on is the idea of building the ultimate backyard. Have you seen these ones? A family turns their typical rear plot of land into a haven full of Trex decking, bright flowers and fresh sod, with a gleaming stainless steel grill to bring it all together. The concept is to create a space to relax—a refuge from the rest of the world and a post-5pm retreat after a tiring day.

I’ll admit that these ads strike me in two ways. One, I want that backyard. But Two, on a deeper level I wonder if there is something here for us to consider. Has our society become used to a world where we spend the bulk of our time confined to our parcel lines while having little meaningful interaction with our neighbors?

There used to be a day and time in our society where kids played outside more often, where families knew and relied upon households next door, and where it was a norm to feel a sense of connectedness amongst neighbors. In thinking back to when you were a kid, did life in your neighborhood seem a bit more interactive and relational than your experience today? Did people trust each other more readily? Did passersby wave? Did you play outside without worrying about Megan’s Law registrants?

Let’s face it, after the commute home from work it’s easy to find ourselves so tired and busy that the concept of getting to know our neighbors seems unrealistic, impractical or even inconvenient. So we get home from work, shut the garage door quickly to avoid others, stay behind our fences, and then turn on one of our screens to zone out. Sure, privacy is essential to a healthy lifestyle, but if life’s standard posture is to have very limited interaction with neighbors, then our communities will suffer.

What happened to our neighborhoods?

Part II: Finding Treasure in the Front Yard