Newest articles on The Sacramento Press tagged as "conflict"

Real Relationships: Staying friends

2011-03-07T17:45:23Z

Q: I dated my ex-boyfriend for nearly three years, but we kind of mutually decided that we didn't have a future, so we parted ways. We have stayed in touch and have no hard feelings toward each other. We have gone out a few times with mutual friends and we always have a good time. Occasionally he'll call me if he wants to talk to an old friend. Anyway, I have started seeing someone new, who I really like, but he doesn't like the fact that I am friends with my ex. I want to stay friends with my ex, but I really like the guy I am with now. Is it wrong for me to want to stay friends with my ex? Or does my new boyfriend have a point?

A: I see this situation a lot and I think the answer is almost always the same when it comes to healthy relationships: Let the past be the past and don't allow it to ruin your future. It is good that you and your ex are friendly and not nasty to each other, but "staying friends" might be taking it too far, particularly now that you are in a new relationship. Your new boyfriend deserves all your heart, mind and soul. Even if you don't think you still have feelings for your ex, allowing yourself to walk the line between the two is dangerous, and it has no place in your new relationship.

You once had strong feelings for this man, were intimate with him and, dare I say, maybe loved him? Is it so easy to just turn those feelings off when you keep seeing him and talking to him? You broke it off for a reason. It is not fair to the new guy to keep rehashing the past. You will never fully realize the potential of your new relationship until your bury your old relationship. Allow yourself to move on and in turn allow him to move on as well. Most importantly, don't pit the two men against each other by asking yourself if it is right or wrong for your new boyfriend to not appreciate your lingering relationship with your ex. How would you feel if the tables were turned? That is what I thought...

Have a relationship question? E-mail sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured here every Monday in "Real Relationships"

Life and death conversations at work

2009-07-22T17:37:23Z

We’ve all heard the phrase: “Some things are better left unsaid”. However, there are times when we need to say things. Sometimes conversations become crucial, and have life or death stakes.

I interviewed Desiree Aragon Nielson, Learning and Development Professional at Catholic Healthcare West / Mercy in Sacramento. Desiree has been certified in teaching “Crucial Conversations”, a best selling book (McGraw Hill) based on extensive research. She trains employees in her health care setting, noting that “In health care, it is life and death …we appreciate crucial conversations as a tool”.

1) What are Crucial Conversations? Based on the authors’ extensive research, Desiree says “three elements appeared when a conversation becomes crucial: strong emotions, opposing opinions and high stakes”. If employees entering into a conversation share strong emotions, possess opposing opinions on the subject and each have high stakes attached to the outcome, than that conversation becomes crucial and needs to happen.

2) Why are Crucial Conversations Important at Work? One of the main reasons, says Desiree, is “I may know something that’s important for us to get the benefits of good work”. She also references the book’s authors and says “we dumb down our responses and allow group think to take over”. We may also acquiesce to authority and not have a crucial conversation. The results can be tragic. For example, the 1986 Challenge shuttle disaster was a result of crucial conversations not happening when they should have. In Desiree’s health care setting, crucial conversations can mean the difference between life and death.

3) How do we Have Crucial Conversations? When Desiree conducts training she shares many tips, including “STATE” and “Contrasting Statements”:

STATE: This is an acronym: "State” what you observed (“My teammate Sam arrived again late to the our management presentation”), “Tell” your story (“I feel uncomfortable when Sam arrives late because I’m worry about our collective reputation"), “Ask” for Sam’s experience (“What was it like for you Sam coming in late to the presentation?”), “Talk Tentatively” (being open to your reality changing based on Sam’s response), and “Encourage Testing” (continually testing your assumptions of the situation based on the dialogue and the accumulating pool of shared meaning)

Contrasting Statements: Called “Don’t Want, Do Want”, these linking statements. Here's an example when someone you are talking to gets distracted by historical content: “I don’t want to loose sight of this historical information – I know what happened in the past is important here. What I do want from this point in time is to stay focused on what we want going forward”.

Questions for Sacramento Press Readers: How do you feel about crucial conversations? What helps or hinders your ability to have them in your work place? Desiree and I will be monitoring and participating in the discussion blog and look forward to your responses.

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Good Work NOW! is a weekly, local public access TV talk show featuring local experts to help viewers find and create good work. The interview with Desiree airs Sunday, July 26 at 7:30 PM on Channel 17. An abbreviated, 10 min version is available now at www.goodworknow.com

Good Work NOW!: "Toxic Co-workers"

2009-06-30T00:10:59Z

According to the April 2009 edition of the Harvard Business Review, toxic behavior in the workplace significantly decreases work effort, quality, morale and commitment. We are seeing more toxic behavior at work as a result of more negative emotions associated with the recession. So, it's important we take some time to look at this issue.

Joining me on the next episode of “Good Work NOW!” is leadership consultant Steve Sphar. Steve and I discuss toxic behavior – what it is and why it’s important to address, explore some interesting insights about perception and demonstrate a four step process that anyone can use to make a positive difference.

Steve defines toxic behavior as “a type of behavior that causes strong negative emotions in others”. He adds that there is a continuum - sometimes we perceive others’ behavior as simply annoying; it becomes “toxic” when it generates strong negative emotions in us, such as fear and anger. Typical examples of toxic behavior include bullying, gossiping, taking credit for others’ work, and victimhood (chronic complaining, whining and persistent negativity).

He emphasizes that perception plays a critical role: “If we define toxic behavior as something that generates negative emotions … emotion is a factor of interpretation”. For example, let’s say a co-worker slams a book on a table during a staff meeting. One colleague could perceive that behavior as enthusiasm, another could perceive the same behavior as aggressive.

Steve shares four steps for assertively communicating with co-workers that you perceive to be exhibiting toxic behavior:

Step 1: State Your Intention. Tell the co-worker that you would like to talk with them: “Joe, can I have a few minutes of your time to talk with you about something that I’m concerned about?”

Step 2: State Objective Facts. Describe the behavior in terms that Joe is likely to agree with: “This morning at the staff meeting when you slammed the book on the table …”

Step 3: State the Impact on You. Describe how you felt when you observed the behavior: “…it made me feel uncomfortable”.

Step 4: State Your Request. Ask for something different in the future. “I would like to ask that in the future you not slam your book on the table.”

Steve adds that we cannot control other people. But, we can control how we act. He adds: “A lot of the time the person doing the [toxic] behavior doesn’t know they’re doing it and when you call them on it, they’ll stop. Sometimes people just don’t know; they don’t get the feedback”. By being assertive, individuals can neutralize toxic cycles in the workplace. If we ignore it or mirror it back, we may be contributing to the toxic cycle and becoming a toxic co-worker ourselves.

You can watch Steve conduct a perception test and the two of us role play his four steps on Sunday, July 5, 7:30 – 8:00 PM on Access Sacramento Channel 17. An abbreviated, 10 minute archived episode is available for free at www.goodworknow.com.

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Background / Disclosure:

Good Work NOW! is a weekly, non-commercial public access television show produced at Access Sacramento and is a volunteer effort by Brian Moffitt, my guests and crew (Daniel Lorenzo, Jemuel Johnson, Molly Lynch, Marge McCreary, and Scott Trend). This 30 minute talk show features local experts and our mission is to help viewers find a job, develop their career or business or improve morale or productivity. It airs every Sunday evening at 7:30 – 8:00 PM on Channel 17 and streams at www.AccessSacramento.org, with an encore streaming every Monday, 11:30 – 12:00 noon. The purpose of this weekly column is to share key points and tips from each week’s episode and invite readers to watch the program if they want more details. If you have any questions or comments or have a story or expertise that will help others find or create good work, please contact me at brianmoffitt@comcast.net or visit our website at www.goodworknow.com.