For the last two weeks, my daughter and I have been helping a long-time family friend whose daughter has been removed from her custody, under a very misguided Parental Alienation claim. I’ve accompanied her to an attorney meeting, my daughter created an email and website on her behalf hoping we could get her story out to the media, all the while trying to be encouraging, but guiding her in various directions to keep her focused isn’t as easy as it sounds. Their entire family is drained; emotionally, mentally and physically wiped out and it’s trickling down to extended family and friends. Those with children are asking if this can happen to them. Their little ones are waking up with nightmares that they’ll be ripped from their mommy or daddy too.

During the 30 plus years of our friendship, I don’t ever recall having to be so unemotional. Logic keeps me grounded—allowing me to maintain some degree of composure, unfortunately that logic also comes with a mild obsessive compulsive control freak that carries another title. I like to-do lists, brainstorming for efficiency, pulling teams together to complete projects and assigning tasks to people with the best skill set to accomplish those tasks.

Logical is difficult when you have exposed raw emotions. I realize my friend’s entire world has been turned upside down and I’m not presumptuous enough to claim to know or understand how she feels. I just wish that I could give her my ability to detach emotionally from stressful situations.

Today I became profoundly aware that my daughter deconstructs issues like me.
Thought-Emotion-Resolution.

After she hung up the phone, she looked at me and said “Ya know you and Ralph are the best divorcees.” Now, let me explain what my 19 year old meant.

My ex-husband and I have a very unique relationship. If people saw us together they would never know we were divorced. We were best friends before the marriage and after many long conversations and many years of healing we can admit that in our hearts we will always love each other. We just can’t live under the same roof.

When our marriage ended, it was an emotional rollercoaster but I was extremely logical about how to separate everything. I took what I brought into the relationship; including our daughter, and left everything else that was his prior to our marriage…he kept his car, the furniture, stereo, TV, tools, Music…well, one CD and a couple articles of clothing, that our daughter has confiscated for her own wardrobe.

I sit here thinking about my friend’s horrific situation. This could have been me. I could have been the one fighting for my daughter, racking up attorney fees—hoping that he would realize that it was best for her to stay with me and all of the extended family, including his parents in the next town. I’m so thankful that never happened, either because we knew what was right or if it was just because we lived in different states.

In actuality, my ex-husband got off easy; he rarely paid the court ordered support and for 16 years he was completely absent from our daughter’s life. She was raised in a large loving family where four generations lived on one city block. Her father’s side of the family was one town over, I am introduced as their daughter, and I spend more time with his family than he does. Which I’m sure drives his current wife crazy. I said we had a unique relationship.

Even as unfair as he treated me and our daughter—last week I actually called him to thank him for being a deadbeat dad. Yes, I would have appreciated the monthly support, but fighting for custody would have been detrimental to her. Yes I would have preferred to see our daughter having a loving respectful relationship with her father, but we don’t get everything we want. She had my parents, me and my grandparents as her primary care givers. She grew up knowing right from wrong. That your word and a handshake are worth more than anything written on paper. Good grades are expected and not rewarded. Life is not fair and everyone must pay their dues.

It hurts me knowing that so many children of broken homes aren’t as mature and clearheaded. They expect gifts for their affection, they don’t know what trust, security or unconditional love looks like.

In an unspoken understanding; I knew that she was hovering between complete rational thought and bewilderment on how other divorced couples can’t just split everything right down the middle and still be able to do what is right for their children. Today she took one more step to being an adult and I felt very proud to have been a part of that. At 19 she is keenly aware that the line between sense and sensibility is very fine, if they have the ability to discern it at all.