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To those unfamiliar with wresting, it’s a somewhat confusing sport. It’s a bunch of men acting really manly but with tan, smooth, hair-free thighs and chests that glisten with baby oil while fighting in neon spandex panties.
WWE’s SmackDown at the Power Balance Pavilion on Tuesday was the first time I had ever been to a wrestling event. I knew there would be a storyline but was surprised by the length of it, the amount of "back story" each match contained. It was like a soap opera for 10-year-old boys.
And there were a lot of 10-year-olds there. A lot of families. Commercials for toys based on wrestlers aired between matches on a big screen, cotton candy was sold in each aisle and an announcement was made that all WWE’s content is rated PG. “...So it’s for families.”
I could take you through each family-friendly fight, but then this article would end up way too long. And all 12 matches would be described in practically the same way: a body slam here, a headlock there, some insult about an opponent’s mother, and then a roundhouse kick to the face, maybe one more body slam, then suddenly someone’s on the floor and the crowd is counting to three.
Let’s get to the good stuff. That “back story.”
Triple H, former wrestler-turned-current COO of WWE, welcomed fans before the beginning of SmackDown. As he was doing so, he was interrupted by another wrestler, Christian, WWE’s reigning World Heavyweight Champion.
“I’m going to sue the WWE,” said Christian, in red spandex undies with his name written across the butt. “I have medical documents saying Randy Orton has anger management issues.”
Randy Orton, the “headliner” that night, is scheduled to fight Christian in a “No Holds Barred” match for the World Heavyweight Championship this Sunday.
“Forcing me to wrestle him puts me in an unsafe work environment,” he said. “If you say the match is still on, I’ll sue you, your children. I’ll sue every fan who buys a ticket to SummerSlam.”
To this, Triple H shrugged his massive shoulders in his slightly too-tight suit jacket.
“I have no choice but to say the match is still on,” he said. “It’s a breach of contract if you don’t fight, and I will fire you. I don’t respect you anymore, they don’t respect you anymore,” Triple H pointed to the cheering crowd, “quit whining and crying like a little girl and earn your respect.”
Christian eventually agreed to the match against Orton, then asked, “Who am I fighting tonight?”
Christian ended up leaving the fight before it was over. Sheamus won by countout.
And in the main match of the night, Orton, weighing in at 245 pounds, took down all 7 feet, 3 inches and 420+ pounds of the Great Khali.
“I learned in my anger management classes that you can’t pent up your anger,” Orten said in a backstage interview shown on the big screen to fans. “I can’t think of a better way to unleash my anger than on Christian.”