Q: My husband and I have just one child. We had planned on having more, but it never worked out. Now I am seeing that as a good thing because our son is going into the fourth grade (he is going to be 10 in November), and he has become a virtual nightmare to deal with on a daily basis.

His third grade teacher had to call me at work several times to report that he didn't come to class, that he got in a fight with a classmate or that he was rude to her. We have been having a lot of problems with him at home, too. He talks back to me, has even hit me on occasion and does not listen when we tell him to do things or try and punish him.

I think we are at the end of our rope. It is causing some issues between my husband and I as well, and that isn't helping the situation. I don't know what to do.

A: I am really sorry that you have to go through this right now. I am guessing that there was a time when your son was younger that life was good and could never go wrong. My suggestions to you are multi-leveled.

I think your first step is to make sure your relationship with your husband is on solid ground. Kids pick up on parental tension very easily, and your son may be responding to what he senses between the two of you. I realize it is hard to decipher which came first, but deal with something you can control: you.

Figure out why your problems with your son are causing a rift between you and your husband and fix it. Talk through the difficulties you are having together, come to an agreement about how to proceed, and stand firm together on every decision made about punishment, counseling or any other direction you decide to go. Presenting a united front to your son will go a long way in his return to exemplary behavior.

As for your son, this is likely to be a long, hard road to travel. I believe you are probably at the point where you need to seek help outside of the home. Professional counseling may not be an option for you, but having him sit down with a trusted friend or adult figure in his life to talk through some of his frustrations may be an option. If he is unwilling to do that, ask him if he will write a letter about why he is so frustrated with life or what makes him angry. Sometimes writing is easier than speaking.

There may be things going on at school you aren't aware of. Talk with his teacher and find out if he is being picked on or if there have been any other situations that you didn't know about. If he has some specific friends he always hangs out with, talk to their parents and find out if they know of anything that is going on or if they have noticed similar behaviors in their kids.

The bottom line is, you need to be involved in what is going on in your son’s life. If your schedule allows, volunteer in his class, do things together as a family, talk to each other. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are just giving him space. He wants your attention and he wants your love. Acting out may be his way of asking for it.

Here are a few Sacramento resources you can look into for professional help:

River Oak Center for Children

Family Tree Couseling

Carrie Harper: Marriage and Family Therapist

Cross Creek Family Family Couseling

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.