I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love homeless people. Vagrants, bums, hobos, bag people, call them what you will, I love them.

Lunch time rolls around and ol' faithful (aka my stomach) begins to announce that he's feeling parched and wants to digest something. So I say 'I'm ok with that' and stomach and I head out for a bite. I decided on a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger from Carl's Jr, so I head to the Plaza for lunch. As I enter the Carl's Jr, I see a hobo woman (40's, black, DIRTY, messed up teeth, 2pac scarf on her head) sitting at a table with crap scattered everywhere with her little house/ cart parked next to her. In front of her she has what appears to be every single issue of Sacramento News and Review ever printed. Seriously, there's a wealth of so-so articles and mediocre writing sitting in front of her. I give a glance and proceed with getting in line to order some meat heaven with Bar-B-Que sauce, bacon and onion rings. I place my order and go take a seat next to a family who was awaiting the delivery of their order... a father with his son and daughter. The son is probably around 8 and the daughter around 10. So as I'm sitting there, I see the homeless gal arise from her seat and load her library of un-interesting literature into her cart along with a broom, a big metal pole, some cans and some toilet paper. She then begins to walk back up to the counter. As she is walking up the aisle, she looks over to the table next to me where the above referenced family is seated. She smiles to reveal the gap where crack rock has robbed her of front teeth in a manner that resembles what appears to be a smile. She stares for a second, then says loudly, "Them's some ugly ass kids!" I quickly feel my stomach convulsing with eminent laughter and the father looks at me and says, "What did she say?" in utter disbelief. The vagrant continues walking toward the counter and utters the sentence two more times, "Them's some ugly ass kids... them's some UGLY ass kids." The father again turns, looks at me, looks at the woman, looks at me again and says, "I ought to go beat her with that big ass stick." I seriously could not repeat how funny it was the way he said it. He was a very proper, well spoken, wealthy looking, half-black (I'm guessing) fella who I had been overhearing talking to his kids mear MOMENTS ago about the importance of being pollite and not being wasteful. The way he turned to me, looked me in the eye and said he wanted to beat a homeless woman with her own "big ass stick" for calling his kids ugly could not possibly be re-itterated in a manner that would capture its true hilarity. Side note: the kids were not ugly, they were actually both quite cute.

So after releasing a harty laugh, I look to the counter to watch for the woman to walk back, a couple minutes later, hear she comes... again. My body was QUIVERING with anticipation of another crazy outburst, and of course, in true crazy bum fashion, she did not disappoint. She again glanced over, flashed what appeared to be a smile and said, "Them's some ugly ass kids. Ugly little girl, ugly little boy, just ugly. Them's some ugly ass kids." I could not help but laugh quite hard. My laughter was increased by the look on a young 20-something girl's face who overheard her saying it. She had the look of pure disbelief, and it was hilarious. I see the father look at his kids wondering if they heard it and the son quickly says, "What did she say daddy?" Of course he didn't tell him, but let me tell you, that bum was aces, all aces. She has become my favorite comedian of all time.

I dedicate this blog to: Crack, abusive parents, dropping out of school, poverty, Sacramento News & Reviews, Carl's Jr, Western Bacon Cheeseburgers, ugly ass kids, shopping carts, recyclables and above all, crazy homeless people who lack an inner monologue. I love you all.